


A List of Things That Kokichi Oma Is No Longer Allowed to Do While Attending Hope's Peak Academy.

by Eighth_Notes, SilverStorm0



Series: A Collection of Things That Kokichi Oma (And His Classmates) Do While Attending HPA [1]
Category: Dangan Ronpa - All Media Types, New Dangan Ronpa V3: Everyone's New Semester of Killing
Genre: Alternate Universe - Hope's Peak Academy (Dangan Ronpa), Alternate Universe - Non-Despair (Dangan Ronpa), Gen, Kaede gradually gets more and more fed up, Light v3 spoilers for the jokes, Mostly just for the jokes, Oma Kokichi Is a Little Shit, Rated teen because of some of the humor, References to Canon, We try to be funny, We try to keep everybody in character, abuse of google translate
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-10-08
Updated: 2019-04-02
Packaged: 2019-07-27 23:25:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 20,179
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16229483
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Eighth_Notes/pseuds/Eighth_Notes, https://archiveofourown.org/users/SilverStorm0/pseuds/SilverStorm0
Summary: Kaede Akamatsu was voted the class representative at the beginning of the year, so when the Ultimate Supreme Leader decided to be a problem, the responsibility to deal with him fell mostly on her shoulders.She had no idea if she should have been happy about or scared by the fact that he agreed with her idea for a list of rules, but it's too late to take it back now.





	1. #1-100

 

 

     "...and you're _sure_ this is a good idea?" Shuichi asked, looking at Kaede in a half-exasperated, half-curious way.

     "Yup! Totally positive." The Ultimate Pianist nodded and smiled, despite the fact that she really, _really_ wasn't. 

     "It just seems a little, ah... too convenient," he said. And he was right, of course. The fact that Kokichi had so readily agreed to go along with Kaede's idea for a rules list _should_ have immediately sent up a massive red flag, if Shuichi's current expression was anything to go by. But for some reason it didn't. Not at the time, at least.

     "Well, it's too late to turn back now. Everything will be be fine," Kaede said, raising both fists in the air to make a pose mostly meant to reassure herself.

     "...if you say so."

 

* * *

**#1-100**

* * *

 

  1. Kokichi is not allowed to threaten people’s lives, regardless of whether or not it’s a lie.
  2. He cannot rig the kitchen sink to dispense grape Panta instead of water.
    1. Or cherry Panta.
    2. Or cotton candy blast Panta.
    3. Kokichi is not allowed to make any kind of alterations to the kitchen sink.
  3. He must stop calling Kirumi mom. Even if she acts like a team mom, she’s still asked you to stop multiple times.
  4. He can no longer attempt to charge his phone using K1-B0 as a power source. It's a wonder you haven't been sued yet.
  5. Kokichi can no longer scientifically disprove the existence of magic to Himiko. She still hasn't stopped crying, and we can't risk Tenko attempting to throw anybody out of the window again.
  6. He can no longer explode a pack of any kind of drink in anybody's room for any reason, not even if he “totally warned them” beforehand.
  7. Unless somebody loses their key or it's an emergency, Kokichi is not allowed to  lockpick his way into anybody's room.
  8. He cannot steal anybody's key, either. Nobody needs to go on a veritable scavenger hunt every time they want to go in their room.
    1. “I’m just testing Shuichi’s detective skills” is not a valid excuse for stealing his or anybody else’s room key.
  9. K1-B0 is not a toaster oven and should not be treated as such.
  10. Replacing Kaito's shaving cream with whip cream was only funny once. Don't do it again.
  11. I don't know how you pulled it off, but replacing all of the music room piano's strings with dental floss is NOT allowed. Even if you left the strings you removed in a clearly visible, safe location, I'm pretty sure it's still breaking at least one school rule.
  12. Kokichi is not allowed to give Miu ‘ideas’ for inventions. Drawing his own blueprints to give to her is otherwise fine, as long as the resulting invention is not going to be used for a prank.
  13. Kokichi is not allowed to lie to Gonta about anybody's love (or lack thereof) of bugs. Nobody wants Insect Meet And Greet 2.
  14. You can't burn down the gym.
    1. _Especially_ not if Korekiyo is helping.
  15. Kokichi is not allowed to somehow get his hands on alcohol of any kind and then get drunk with Angie. Yes, it was funny at the time, but we've been finding silly string, glitter, confetti, and half-melted marshmallow birds _everywhere_ for the last two weeks. 
    1. He’s not allowed to get Miu drunk, either.
    2. Kokichi is not allowed to drink alcohol, offer it to his classmates, _or_ spike their drinks.
  16. Rantaro is not an avocado and should not be treated as such.
  17. ~~Rules are just an arbitrary safeguard for complete losers who can’t protect themselves.~~
    1. Kokichi is not allowed to edit this list in any way, shape, or form.
  18. Kokichi is not allowed to break into people’s rooms in any way, with the same exceptions in rule 7. I don’t care if it’s “technically not lockpicking,” it’s still breaking and entering.
  19. No, you guys. We can’t just ban Kokichi from lying entirely. Even if it would solve a lot of problems in theory, it’d probably just piss him off. How would we even _enforce_ that, anyway?
  20. He is not allowed to play the song “Mr. Sandman” whenever Rantaro walks into the room.
  21. We got an Alexa to make Kirumi’s life easier. You can ask it questions, but stop telling it to set alarms.
  22. Don’t draw on people with sharpie when they fall asleep in the common room. Washable markers are, however, fine.
  23. Unless you’re willing to replace them, writing the names of Himiko’s cards on their backs is not okay.
  24. Himiko does not weigh the same as a duck.
  25. Kokichi does not weigh the same as a duck, and is not allowed to prove it. We’re in the middle of a city, where did you even _get_ a duck from?
  26. No stealing _any kind_ of animal from the Zoology labs.
  27. Being the Ultimate Supreme Leader does not give you the right to treat your classmates like subordinates.
    1. Not even if you have a hat and cape that make you look “super duper evil.”
  28. Gonta is not a Saiyan and has no powers that one would have.
  29. Stop requesting that Kirumi do ridiculous tasks. She’s not charging any money for doing things for us because we’re classmates. Don’t take advantage of that.
  30. Yes, Kaito is easily scared. No, that does not mean you can scare him. Even if you are good at telling ghost stories.
  31. If you hurt yourself, go to the nurse's office, or find somebody to take you. Concussions are serious business, and capitalizing on a head wound to pull a prank is stupid at best.
  32. No more hiding in the kitchen cabinets in order to jumpscare people. You nearly gave Miu a heart attack.
  33. Convincing Tsumugi that her favorite anime has been cancelled is a horrible idea.
  34. Don’t tell the Alexa to play sad music every time something even remotely sad happens. Especially if the song is Despacito.
  35. Asking Shuichi if he wants to solve a mystery and then forcing him to watch Blue’s Clues with you is not okay. Even though it’s a cute show, it’s still misleading. You know he’s too nice to say no.
  36. Proposing a “wonderful business opportunity” to Maki is a good way to get _yourself_ killed.
  37. Don’t make martial arts noises at Tenko and then challenge her to a fight. You’re lucky she has enough self restraint to keep from hurting anybody.
  38. Don’t go around claiming that anybody is secretly dating anybody else.
    1. Especially if you’re saying they’re dating you.
  39. Running a betting pool is fine. Making it a scam is not.
  40. Do not “borrow” Gonta’s insects, _especially_ if you tell him beforehand.
  41. Do not debate religion with Angie.
    1. Do not debate philosophy with Angie, either.
    2. Stop asking Angie to explain Atua.
  42. “Do you want me to hurt you?” is not a challenge.
  43. Do not get K1-B0 high. We don’t know exactly how he ended up that way, and we don’t want to.
  44. Do not get Miu high and then ask her to “make something sexy.”
  45. Using recreational drugs is not to be passed off as “religious undertakings” to Angie.
  46. Recreational drugs are prohibited.
  47. Acting as the referee of any sports match is only fine if you already know the rules of that sport.
  48. Do not attempt to make the school pool into a giant gelatin mold.
  49. No making innuendoes around K1-B0 specifically because you know he’s going to ask you to explain them.
  50. Don’t follow any of your classmates into a grocery store just to shout judgemental things when they’re going to check out.
    1. Even if the judgemental thing is a lie.
  51. Don’t go on manifest destiny-esque rants about the Ultimates as a whole. It gives people the idea that all of us are like that, and we’re not.
    1. Not even if you're wearing the hat and cape.
    2. Manifest destiny-esque rants of any type are prohibited.
  52. K1-B0 does not drink soda for a reason. Actually, we don’t know if he drinks at all. Just stop trying to get him to drink Panta. Nobody wants to sit down on any more Panta cans.
    1. K1-B0 does not drink.
    2. Asking K1-B0 personal questions about his upkeep is prohibited. You’re making him uncomfortable.
  53. To whoever took Kokichi’s scarf: Just give it back already. He taped rubber ducks to every square inch of the common room floor, ceiling, and furniture, and nobody wants to know what he’ll do next.
    1. No, I don’t know how he was able to reach the ceiling.
  54. Do not glue eggs to the bottom of the egg carton.
  55. Stop insisting to K1-B0 that the Easter Bunny actually lays plastic eggs, he’s looking through every biology book he can get his hands on just to see if it’s possible or not.
  56. Don’t steal people’s cell phones and switch all of their contact’s names around.
    1. Don’t steal cell phones at all.
    2. Not even if it’s because you “broke” yours.
    3. Don’t “borrow” them, either.
    4. If something happens to your phone and you need to make a call, _ask_ to use somebody else’s.
  57. Stop anonymously sending embarrassing photos to the school newspaper. I don’t think Tenko can be kept from hurting you much longer.
  58. Do not order a roomba army for the sole purpose of being able to set them loose in a room. We have one to help Kirumi, and _just_ to help her.
    1. Do not make Kirumi’s job harder as an excuse to get more roombas.
    2. You are not “King of the Roombas,” nor are you “Supreme Leader of the Roombas.”
      1. I’m not about to argue over whether or not your talent includes roombas as one of the things you’re the leader of. The answer will still be no.
    3. K1-B0 is not a roomba, nor does his talent include roombas.
  59. Mixtapes should not be literally ‘lit’ on fire.
    1. Not even if you do have a surprisingly good taste in music.
  60. Actually writing “gullible” on the ceiling is not allowed.
  61. Attempting to start a nerf gun war is only okay if the others involved were previously made aware of it.
  62. Giving Tenko's number out to “nice guys” is not allowed. It's a miracle she hasn't killed you yet.
  63. Ryoma is not “fun size” and neither are you.
    1. Even if you are the two shortest guys in class.
  64. Stop repeatedly putting yourself in various kinds of danger. We’re starting to get worried that you might actually get hurt, and I _know_ that you have enough common sense to not be doing it on accident.
    1. The fact that we care about your safety is not a declaration of undying love and should not be treated as such.
  65. Stealing “literally all of the erasers” is not okay.
    1. Not even if you're using them to build “eraser kingdom.”
  66. You are not the king or supreme leader of any kind of inanimate object.
    1. Or any living person who doesn't want to join your organization, for that matter.
    2. Not even if you put a Supreme-brand label on who- or whatever you want to rule.
  67. Kokichi is not allowed to have more than one energy drink in his system at any time. Yesterday was actually terrifying and nobody wants a repeat of that.
  68. Don't try to convince people that Korekiyo is allergic to the sun.
    1. Or that he's a vampire.
    2. Or a mummy.
    3. Or a werewolf.
    4. Or any kind of mythological creature.
  69. Leaving the “sexy thing” that Miu made while high in the middle of the common room is not allowed.
    1. _Especially_ if it’s specifically to “make the rule list less boring.”
  70. Kokichi is not to be left alone when we all go shopping together. He nearly got us kicked out of the mall, and I don’t want us to get banned completely. We were lucky enough to be let off with a warning.
  71. It is not acceptable to trap anybody in their room, even for a little while.
    1. It is not acceptable to trap _Kokichi_ in his room, even as revenge.
  72. If you get sick, take the day off so you don’t infect anybody. We can give you the notes you missed later.
  73. Speaking entirely in rhyme, while impressive, gets old very quickly.
  74. You are not an anime protagonist.
    1. Of _any_ genre.
    2. Neither Shuichi or I are “protagonist rejects.”
  75. Showing Gonta the Bee Movie isn’t a bad idea, but attempting to convince him that it’s a documentary of real events is.
  76. Neither Kokichi or Himiko are young enough to make Maki take care of them.
    1. Even if they are the two youngest looking people in class.
    2. They’re teenagers, just like the rest of us. They can look after themselves.
  77. Kokichi is not allowed to superglue a countdown timer to the wall.
    1. Especially if “something totally awesome” is going to happen when it reaches zero.
  78. Filling all of the empty space in the refrigerator with rubber ducks just makes Kirumi’s life harder.
  79. No, I’m not going to add any rules to this list at Kokichi’s request.
    1. Or before he actually does something. It would just give him ideas.
  80. Having Miu make a lie detector was a clever idea until it wasn’t.
    1. Less because Kokichi got angry about it, and more because he almost immediately figured it out and abused it.
  81. Kaito is not Astro Boy.
    1. Neither is K1-B0.
  82. Kokichi is not allowed to throw rubber ducks at people.
    1. Or toss them.
    2. Or “yeet” them.
    3. No throwing things.
    4. No instructing others to throw things.
    5. Especially if that “thing” is K1-B0. He’s a friend, not a battering ram.
  83. Stop it with the nightmare faces.
    1. You know full well what does and does not count as a nightmare face.
  84. Repeatedly saying “You're killing me, Smalls” to Ryoma is highly insensitive. Just because he ignores you doesn't mean he's not annoyed, and it's not even a reference to the right sport.
  85. Using as many talent-referential puns as possible depending on who you're talking to might be impressive, but it’s still grating.
  86. Somebody saying that they've heard every possible joke about something is _not_ a challenge.
    1. Not even if you can come up with a joke they haven't heard before.
  87. Don't offer to give people fashion advice as an excuse to criticize their clothing.
    1. Even if some of what you're saying is right.
    2. Nobody wants your advice on anything unless they ask for it.
  88. Kaito's hair does not disobey the laws of physics, and you are _not_ allowed to test that.
  89. Kokichi attempting to do a “cool trick [he] saw on the internet once” is not allowed. Especially if he's already aware that it's dangerous.
  90. Tsumugi is not wallpaper and should not be treated as such.
  91. Stop trying to convince people that the Earth is flat. We know you don’t actually believe it, and it makes the rest of us look bad.
  92. No riding swivel chairs down the hallway. You’re lucky you didn’t need stitches.
  93. It might be a good Halloween prank, but do not set up a pretend murder scene, even if you’re the ‘victim.’
    1. Where did you even _get_ that much fake blood?
    2. “It was real, I just had a bunch of people killed for their blood” is not the correct answer to that question.
  94. If one of Kokichi’s pranks creates a mess, he has to help Kirumi clean it up.
  95. You, Kaito, and I are not the “purple squad,” even if we do happen to have the same favorite color.
  96. Playing the Harry Potter theme song whenever Himiko walks into the room is not allowed unless it’s specifically prearranged for a magic show.
    1. Not even if she likes having a theme song.
    2. Tenko is not allowed to follow Himiko around while playing any song.
  97. Talking to Tsumugi in anime fan-speak is fine because she understands it. Nobody else can follow most of what you’re trying to say, and we don’t really want an explanation, either.
  98. Throwing an actual temper tantrum after losing in Mario Kart (or any game) is not allowed. We know it’s fake, and if you do it again you won’t be allowed to play anything on video game night anymore.
  99. The only backpack you’re allowed to fill with rubber ducks is your own.
  100. Do not do anything that could get you arrested, even if it’s something minor. You’re lucky that Hope’s Peak was able and willing to bail you out.
    1. It doesn’t matter if that really was the only time you were caught. _No crime._



**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was fun to work on, so hopefully it's at least kind of entertaining to read! Though it was mostly created from being bored and remembering that Lists Of Things X is Not Allowed To Do At Y-type things exist.  
> New chapters will be posted more-or-less whenever we have enough ideas, and we'll try to make each one be a set of 100 rules (or, failing that, 50). Depending on whether or not people want it, we'll probably put some kind of blurb of Kaede actually doing something at the beginning of each chapter.  
> If anything from this gives you an idea for a fic/one-shot, feel free to write it! All that we request is for you send us a link to whatever you've written.  
> Comments are always appreciated!


	2. #101-200

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So Ao3's formatting won't allow us to start the numbered list at 101, which is understandable. However, going back and editing the format from the automatic numbered list thing and having it still be readable would take up a lot of extra time that we don’t really have, but each chapter is titled with which numbers are in which so it should be okay.  
> EDIT: The formatting problem has been solved, but this will stay here so that we dont sound insane in a few of the notes.

    “God FUCKIN’ _damnit!”_

    Kaede opened the common room door to the sound of cheap cardboard, fluttering paper, and small, plastic-and-metal pieces hitting the ground. It didn’t take much investigating to see that Miu was sitting on the floor, along with Kokichi and K1-B0, having just flipped a game board over.

    “Wooow, Miu! I didn’t know you were so _passionate_ about board games!” Kokichi said.

    “I--Oh, Kaede!” K1-B0, who was the only one facing the door, said in a half-greeting, half-plea-for-help. Not that he was _wrong_ to ask for help.

    “Hi, gu--"

    “Hey, Kaedork!” Miu interrupted before Kaede was able to finish speaking. “Add another rule to that list you made! Make it so Cuckichi here can’t play Monopoly!”

    “Wh-What!? But I didn’t actually _do_ anything this time!” Kokichi protested and turned to Kaede, almost certainly fake tears beginning to well up in his eyes. “Kaede! Miu’s being mean to me!”

    “Shut it, ya lying little gremlin! Kaedork, add the rule!”

    “I… think that it is highly illogical to suggest a rule like that, Miu. Especially when you lost mostly due to your own lack of skill,” K1-B0 said.

    There was a long moment of silence before Miu let out a high-pitched squeak and Kokichi burst out laughing.

    “Ah-hahahaha! I can’t believe you got owned by the _robot_ , Miu! And he wasn’t even _trying!”_

    …

    Kaede closed the door.

 

* * *

**#101-200**

* * *

 

 

    1. Kokichi, Rantaro, Tsumugi, and Miu are not allowed to cook together. I don't even know if what they made counts as _edible_ , let alone food.
      1. Don’t try to get K1-B0 to eat it. He doesn’t eat anything.
      2. Do not goad Kaito into eating anything, either. _Especially_ if its status as an actually edible thing is questionable.
    2. No more playing the knife game.
      1. Not even if you use a spoon instead of a knife.
    3. Asking somebody if they're mad when they're clearly already angry is a horrible idea.
    4. Challenging Kaito to a game of poker is not allowed. You _know_ he’s too stubborn to quit while he’s ahead and that he has a horrible poker face.
    5. You're the one that challenged Ryoma to a game of Wii Sports Tennis. Don't be a sore loser.
    6. If you go to an event you weren't invited to in the first place, don't act like a victim when they kick you out.
    7. Violence is not the answer _or_ the question.
      1. And it's definitely not both at the same time.
    8. No hitting people with swords, whether or not they’re made of foam.
      1. Whether or not the swords are made out of foam, not the people.
        1. K1-B0 counts as people.
      2. Not even if you shout that it’s a sneak attack first.
    9. Stop calling people “stupid plebs.”
      1. Even if they actually are stupid, it’s still mean.
    10. It’s fine that you like Yu-Gi-Oh, but that doesn’t make it okay to throw a water balloon at whoever is unfortunate enough to walk into your line of sight while shouting that they activated your trap card.
      1. Not even if you actually have the arm thing.
        1. Okay. It’s called a Duel Disk. Now stop bothering me about it.
      2. And _especially_ not if it’s indoors.
      3. Changing the phrase you’re shouting doesn’t magically make it okay.
    11. If you want to know more about anthropology, ask Korekiyo questions on your own time instead of during dinner.
      1. Yes, he has interesting things to say, but the questions you ask always have to do with things that nobody wants to hear about while eating.
    12. Kokichi is not allowed to threaten to fine people.
    13. Kokichi is not allowed to use dry-erase markers for anything other than their intended purpose.
    14. Quit trying to get people to taste Nintendo Switch cartridges. It’s unsanitary and gross.
    15. Kokichi is not allowed to take Tsumugi's anime boxsets, and the cases for the movies and games everybody else owns, and then switch around the discs. It took Tsumugi, Shuichi, and I _two hours_ to put everything back in the right cases.
    16. He is not allowed to sneak into the library and flip around all of the books in one of the bookshelves so that the spines are facing the wrong way.
    17. He is not allowed to slightly tilt wall decorations, especially if he does it specifically because he knows it's annoying.
      1. If the wall decorations in question were made by Angie and/or _meant_ to be tilted, then it's fine.
    18. Kokichi is not allowed to stand in one location and challenge anybody who meets his eyes to a pokemon battle.
      1. He's not allowed to pace, run, and/or walk around one location and challenge people to pokemon battles.
      2. If they're playing Pokemon when they walk past you, it's okay. But otherwise don't. You're not an NPC.
    19. I don't know if Shuichi is actually emo, but calling him “Ace Ventura: Edge Detective” just because he looks like he might be does not sound like a compliment.
    20. Quit stealing Shuichi's hat.
      1. Even if he _does_ look better without it, it's still not nice to take people's things.
      2. Do not “borrow” his hat, either.
    21. Stop trying to break K1-B0 with logical paradoxes, it’s even worse than the Easter Bunny thing.
    22. Kokichi is no longer allowed to play truth or dare. With anyone. _Ever_.
      1. I don't care if it's boring to just watch. _No_.
    23. No Ouija boards.
    24. Kokichi is not allowed to tape plastic wrap on a doorway and then act like there's an emergency.
      1. On that note, crying wolf in general is a horrible idea. Especially when you've already managed to get actually hurt multiple times.
    25. Do not attempt to use any other person as a meat shield.
      1. Or K1-B0 as a robot shield.
    26. Playing the slide whistle in response to something stupid happening was funny exactly once.
    27. No trombones in the common room.
      1. Why do you even _own_ a trombone? I know you can't read sheet music.
      2. No, the oboe is the goofiest instrument.
    28. Kokichi is not allowed to spray paint Mondo’s bike pink. The last thing we want is to pick a fight with class 78.
      1. Or cover it in glitter.
      2. Or rubber ducks.
      3. Kokichi is not allowed to touch Mondo’s bike.
    29. Kokichi is not allowed to change his name to circumvent the rules. They’ll still apply, no matter how stupid the name he calls himself is.
    30. He is not allowed to put “Out of Order” signs on machines that are not broken.
    31. Standing on a literal soapbox and yelling intentionally inflammatory things at passersby is a good way to get yourself hurt.
      1. Especially if you’re wearing the hat and cape.
    32. I don’t know what you did to make Maki _that_ angry, but whatever it was, apologize for it and don’t do it again.
    33. It’s fine if you and Himiko want to make a fort out of pillows and blankets. What isn’t fine is rearranging the entire common room in the middle of the day without telling or asking anybody first.
      1. It’s also not okay to make Gonta and Tenko rearrange all of the furniture for you.
      2. I know that neither of you are very strong, but I'm sure that you can at least push furniture around if you work together.
    34. Just because Shuichi figured out one of your lies does not mean that you can act overdramatically depressed for an entire week.
    35. Kokichi is not allowed to try and get me to say that K1-B0 isn't a person.
    36. Making clear oobleck and putting it in a cup was funny exactly _once_ , and only because Rantaro found it funny too.
    37. Only water is allowed in the water dispenser. The soda was funny and ultimately harmless, but Tenko nearly lost her temper.
    38. Bubble wrap is fine. Popping bubble wrap every time someone tries to talk is not.
      1. Stuffing the lockers with bubble wrap is unacceptable.
      2. Wrapping _K1-B0_ in bubble wrap is just plain rude. Just because he’s a robot doesn’t mean he’s fragile.
      3. Plastering every surface of the common room with several layers of bubble wrap is not okay. And no, we don’t want to know how you got form-fitting bubble wrap for the ceiling fan. No more bubble wrap.
        1. Not even if bubble wrap _was_ originally invented as a type of wallpaper.
    39. If you absolutely have to practice your evil laugh, don’t do it in the middle of the night where people can hear you. You nearly gave Kaito a heart attack, and I’m surprised that neither Miu or Himiko tried to hurt you for waking them up.
      1. No practicing your evil laugh in public, either. I swear you’re like 90% of the reason the rest of the school thinks that our class is full of nutjobs.
    40. Being able to play the trombone, or really any instrument, is not the same as being _good_ at it. I don’t know if you realize this, but brass instruments are _loud_.
      1. Just because you play loudly doesn’t mean people will think you’re good.
      2. Mayonnaise is not an instrument.
      3. I will stop teaching you how to read sheet music.
    41. Kokichi is only allowed to try and make people cosplay with Tsumugi if he agrees to do so himself.
    42. Do not make anybody play random flash games that you find. K1-B0 still hasn’t stopped screaming, and I think you might have actually managed to traumatize Rantaro.
    43. Kokichi is no longer allowed to steal people’s things and then challenge them to a game of tag to get their stuff back.
      1. Especially when he already knows that he’s faster than whoever he stole from.
    44. Kokichi is no longer allowed to play a Bard in any D&D campaign ever. Mistakes have been made, and the scars aren’t going away.
      1. Kokichi is no longer allowed to play a chaotic neutral character of _any_ class in D &D.
      2. Not even if Tsumugi says that she’s never seen a campaign go off the rails so quickly.
      3. Not even if she says it’s impressive.
      4. Okay, you can play a bard or a chaotic neutral character, but only after testing the character in a one-shot first, and it must be one _or_ the other.
    45. Quit following your classmates around while saying purposefully confusing logical statements just to see their reactions.
      1. I mean phrases like “squares are rectangles but not all rectangles are squares.”
    46. Kokichi is not allowed to drag anybody into a photo booth against their will.
      1. Or drag anybody _anywhere_ against their will.
    47. _Do not pull the fire alarm when there is no fire._ It’s illegal; see rule 100.
      1. Just because you didn't know it was a crime doesn't mean you're allowed to do it. I'm sure the school library has books on laws if you want to do research.
    48. K1-B0 is not Mega Man.
    49. Stop trying to convince K1-B0 that I'm robophobic.
      1. Or that anybody is robophobic when they aren’t.
    50. Kokichi is no longer allowed to attempt to start a food fight in any location.
      1. Kokichi is no longer allowed to _successfully_ start a food fight in any location.
    51. Calling people peasants and telling them to entertain you is rude.
    52. Stop challenging people to the “Fortnite Battle Royale” when you’re really talking about a Roblox server.
    53. Kokichi is not allowed to literally try to catch lightning in a bottle, no matter how clever he thinks he’s being.
    54. Yes, Kokichi is scared of bugs. No, that does not mean that somebody can leave realistic-looking fake bugs around specifically to freak him out.
      1. You know who you are.
    55. Kokichi is not allowed to get a box of squeaky chickens and repeatedly make them squeak while people are trying to study in the common room.
    56. Kokichi is not allowed to shout “if she breathes, she's a thot” at Tenko.
      1. He's not allowed to complain about the fact that she finally lost her temper and flipped him, either.
      2. You're really lucky that Aikido is a martial art about disarmament and self-defense instead of just beating people up.
    57. Do not give Angie a megaphone and then encourage her to tell the entire cafeteria about Atua during lunch.
    58. Asking Kaito if he wants to watch a cool show about rocket ships and then giving him a Little Einsteins DVD was only funny because he was a good sport about it.
    59. I won't stop you from making sandals out of hot glue, but I’m pretty sure it's against the school dress code.
      1. Also _why_.
      2. It's not fashionable.
    60. Kokichi, it’s one thing to playfully insult your friends, but don't be a bully.
      1. You may not be the _best_ friend, but we still think of you as a friend.
      2. Why are you arguing about this.
    61. Do not sing songs from those weird kids shows. Suppressed memories have been brought up.
      1. Barney counts.
      2. So do the Teletubbies.
    62. Just because Rantaro can paint nails doesn’t mean you can recommend him to girls.
    63. Do not shout “ _GAAAAY_ ” any time anything even vaguely homosexual happens. It’s subtext _at best_.
    64. Stop singing the Scooby Doo theme song whenever Shuichi enters a room. It was funny the first time, but now it’s just annoying.
      1. That includes other versions.
    65. Kokichi is not allowed to write fanfiction about his classmates and then read it to them. Himiko is still catatonic, and the only thing keeping Maki from hurting you is Kaito telling her not to.
      1. Don’t leave it where anyone might find it, either.
      2. If Korekiyo or Tsumugi wants the fanfiction, then fine. They can have it. And _just_ them.
    66. Toy guns are fine so long as they have the orange tip that signifies that they’re toys.
    67. Whoever keeps subtly changing the piano’s tune: stop. It’s annoying and time-consuming having a professional come in to tune it every other week.
    68. Surprising Ryoma by throwing something at his head is a terrible idea, and we feel no pity for those who do so.
    69. Leaving pictures of the “sexy thing” _anywhere_ is a bad idea. Miu wouldn’t come out of the bathroom until we were sure they were gone.
      1. The “sexy thing” shall not be seen or heard of in any capacity ever again.
    70. Covering the classroom in halloween decorations is only appropriate during October.
      1. No, I don’t know how he got plastic knives to jut out of the ceiling, and I don’t care so long as he gets them down again without breaking anything.
    71. Repeatedly saying “fight me, scrub” to literally anybody with a violent streak is a good way to lose teeth.
    72. No one understands the reference behind “fight me 1v1 Fox only Final Destination full stock no items let’s go” except for Tsumugi, and even she’s tired of it.
    73. Commissioning Angie for art is fine so long as it’s not for a prank.
    74. Powdered sugar is not allowed in the common room. Not only will it probably spill over and make Kirumi’s job harder, but it looks a lot like something much less harmless.
      1. Kokichi is not allowed to put powdered sugar on his face.
      2. No more powdered sugar.
    75. Kokichi is not allowed to give Angie a hot glue gun and various colors of hot glue and then tell her to decorate the common room.
      1. Even if the end result does look cool.
    76. Stop leaving cans of soft drinks in the freezer to chill only to “forget” about them until they explode.
      1. We know you’re doing it on purpose because you’ve done it four times in the last three days.
      2. Seriously, it can be actually dangerous.
    77. Kokichi is not allowed to lace chocolate with chili powder and then leave it on the counter for people to eat without labelling it as spicy first.
    78. While putting on facepaint and making animal noises was amusing, it was only amusing for about five minutes.
    79. The only thing that completely vanishing for almost an entire weekend with zero explanation accomplishes is making us worry.
      1. Kaito, Shuichi, and I were literally on our way to go talk to the campus police when Rantaro texted me saying you decided to show back up.
      2. Of course we were worried. If there’s one person in our class who’s likely to get into that much trouble, it’s you.
    80. Do not give Kokichi copious amounts of sugar. It was almost as bad as the energy drinks.
    81. We do not play spin-the-bottle. We were lucky Tenko wasn’t there, or you would actually be dead.
      1. Even if she purposefully wasn't invited, that doesn't mean you can still play spin-the-bottle.
      2. Also K1-B0 was confused, and nobody wanted to explain.
    82. Kokichi is not allowed to speak in riddles. Only Shuichi can tell what you’re trying to say and he’s tired of translating for you.
      1. The occasional riddle is okay so long as people actually want to solve it.
    83. Kokichi is not allowed to take naps on the common room floor.
    84. Kokichi is not allowed to build a massive house of cards using anybody’s textbooks as a base.
      1. If he wants to use his own textbooks, fine, but he has to clean up after himself.
    85. Scattering rubber ducks and those squeaky chickens all over the common room floor is not okay.
      1. Not only does it make Kirumi’s life harder, Miu slipped on one and probably has a sprained ankle now.
      2. Yes, we all know you didn’t mean for that to happen, but it still did.
    86. Kokichi and Himiko and not allowed to try and brew potions without the supervision of somebody who knows how to function in a kitchen.
    87. Kokichi is not allowed to get an empty jar of any kind of condiment, fill it with appropriately colored yoghurt or pudding, and then eat it in public.
      1. Honestly, if you want to drink a bottle of actual ketchup, then I won’t stop you.
      2. No, I don’t want to know why.
    88. Kokichi is not allowed to print out a photo of the bottom of the kitchen sink and then lay it across the dirty dishes in an attempt to get out of helping clean them.
      1. Yes, we have Kirumi, but it’s still not nice to make her do _all_ the work.
    89. ~~Buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo.~~
      1. Once again, Kokichi is not allowed to edit this list. See rule 17.
      2. Also, why buffalo?
      3. It may be kind of cool that it’s technically a grammatically correct sentence, but you still can’t edit this list.
    90. No using fidget spinners for anything other than their intended purpose, no matter how clever you think you’re being.
      1. Also why fidget spinners?
      2. No, nevermind, I know I won’t like the answer.
    91. Kokichi is not allowed to buy infomercial products unless the product in question is sure to be used regularly.
    92. Duct tape is not a cure-all.
      1. Neither is “duck” tape.
      2. Even if the roll of tape has ducks on it.
    93. If you're going to play a game that requires the use of a Wii-Remote, then use the wrist strap. We've had too many close calls with the TV as is.
      1. This goes for everyone.
    94. You are not “Dictator of the plastic birds.”
      1. Even if it _was_ funny, those kinds of jokes overstay their welcome really quickly.
    95. Hanging as many rubber ducks and those squeaky chickens from the ceiling of the common room as possible is not okay.
    96. Kokichi is not allowed to use blank cards when playing Cards Against Humanity.
      1. To make it fair, nor is anyone else.
    97. Asking Rantaro a bunch of questions about the reality TV shows is not allowed.
      1. I’m not even sure he _watches_ that much television in the first place.
    98. Kokicki is not a ninja and will not act like one.
      1. No, you’re not Supreme Leader of the Ninja either.
      2. Nor are you Supreme Leader of the Pirates.
      3. Kokichi is only the Supreme Leader of the members of his organization.
        1. I refuse to argue on this point, so just stop.
    99. Repeatedly asking “Why?” whenever somebody gives an answer to a question is not allowed.
    100. Kokichi can stop complaining so much about helping Miu out while she needs crutches and has to wear the boot thing when he’s doing so on his own free will.
      1. Don’t deny it, we’ve all seen you going out of your way to help her when you think nobody’s looking.
      2. Especially the one time you “accidentally” dropped a textbook that just so happened to prop the door open when Miu was running late to class.



 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> With a few alterations to help fit the tone of the list, #128 and #129 are courtesy of TheMysteriousGeek2345.  
> The blurb/bit at the beginning is about twice as long as it was meant to be. Woops.  
> The next chapter is going to be about 50 rules and dedicated entirely to Halloween-related shenanigans, so keep an eye out for that being released sometime before the end of October.  
> If anything from this gives you an idea for a scene in a fic or a one-shot, feel free to use it! All that we request is for you send us a link to whatever you've written.  
> Comments are always appreciated!


	3. #201-250 - Halloween Special Edition

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A haunting set of rules for the spoopiest time of the year.

    “So what kind of costume are you thinking about for Halloween?” Tsumugi, who had been going on a near-unintelligible infodump of her most recent cosplay, abruptly asked.

     “Oh! Well, hmm… I haven’t really thought about it,” Kaede said, coming to a stop behind the other girl as they reached the common room door.

     “Well, if you can’t think of anything, let me know! I’m sure we can come up with something just plain wonderful.” Tsumugi nodded assuredly, opened the door, and almost immediately froze up. _“Wh-What…?”_

     “Let me see.” Kaede walked over to the doorway and looked inside, only to see none other than the Ultimate Supreme Leader lying on his side in a pool of some kind of liquid, a knife sticking out of his chest.

     Kaede sighed. “This _better_ be a prank, Kokichi.”

     There was an uncomfortably long moment of silence--just long enough for Kaede to start getting nervous and for Tsumugi to unfreeze--before he stood, unstuck the now-clearly-fake knife from his shirt, and gave a thumbs-up. “Ya got me!”

     “I-Isn’t there a rule about not staging a fake murder?” Tsumugi asked.

     “Well, yeah, but that rule _totally_ _says_ that it’s a good Halloween prank!”

     “That wasn’t an okay to actually--”

     _“Plus,”_ he interrupted Kaede, “I didn’t use blood this time! It’s actually Pepto! Creative, riiight?”

     “Um, you know that Pepto leaves stains in clothes, right?” Tsumugi said. “I know you probably have multiple uniforms, but don’t you only have the one scarf?”

     Kokichi’s expression momentarily went blank before he ran out of the room.

     _“KIRUMIIII! I HAVE A QUESTION.”_

 

* * *

**#201-250, Halloween Special Edition**

* * *

 

  1. Just because I said that faking a murder scene was a good Halloween prank does not make it okay to do once it’s actually near Halloween. Not even if you replace the fake blood with Pepto-Bismol.
  2. Speaking with an exaggerated vampire accent is only allowed on Halloween itself, and even then only if you’re dressed as a vampire.
  3. Saying that it’s time for the skeleton army to rise is fine. Actually trying to recruit people to join the skeleton army is not.
  4. Kokichi is not allowed to get a bunch of pixie stix, empty them into a glass of water, and then drink it.
    1. Also see rule 180.
      1. Alright, that rule wasn’t broken because you got the pixie stix yourself, but my point stands.
  5. Kokichi is allowed to make nightmare faces when he’s helping out at a haunted house, but only when he’s actually there.
  6. Leaving Paranormal Activity on on the common room TV is not allowed.
    1. Or any horror movie, for that matter.
  7. Do not sneak up behind Kaito and then shout a greeting.
  8. During Halloween, rule 198 can be ignored so long as you’re actually dressed up as a ninja.
  9. Kokichi is not allowed to do anything with fire _ever._
    1. _No_. No matches, no lighters, no candles. I don’t care if you really wanted to light those scented candles for a spooky ritual, I don’t want our class to be the reason the school burns down.
    2. If you want to use open flames, ask Kirumi or Korekiyo to both light the candles and supervise what you’re doing with them. If they say no, that’s that.
  10. Shout singing “Spooky Scary Skeletons” every time you see or hear anything even vaguely skeleton-related is annoying, disruptive and is making the rest of the school think our class is even weirder. So just stop.
  11. Yes, we’re carving pumpkins into jack-o-lanterns for Halloween. No, that does not mean that you can rub pumpkin guts on people’s faces and pretend that you’re Slimer from _Ghostbusters_.
  12. Wearing a hockey mask to school is only okay on Halloween.
  13. Kokichi and Himiko are not allowed to attempt to cast any major magical spells if the attempt involves potentially dangerous material.
    1. Not even if it was for Halloween.
    2. _Especially_ if fire is involved.
  14. Wandering around with a bedsheet over your head and shouting “BOO!” every time you see someone is getting old.
    1. It’s not spooky.
    2. Nor is it “spoopy.”
  15. Encouraging people to eat healthier is good. Shouting “Feed your skeletons, minions!” and then dumping an entire bag of uncooked soybeans on the common room table is not.
    1. Nor is giving Kaito a jug of milk and chanting “chug.”
    2. If you want to cook something for the class with the soy beans, that’s fine so long as someone who can actually cook helps you.
  16. Daring Kaito to marathon scary movies with you is not okay.
  17. Somehow making a realistic-looking wound out of latex and beauty supplies is only okay as a Halloween costume or when you’re working in the haunted house.
    1. We were actually scared for you for a moment.
      1. No. That’s not a declaration of undying love, either.
  18. Kokichi is not the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man.
    1. Not even though his uniform is white.
    2. Not even if he buys an unreasonable amount of giant marshmallows.
  19. Playing otherwise scary music on a kazoo is not scary.
    1. Where did you even learn to play the kazoo like that?
      1. No, nevermind.
  20. Blasting Bach’s [Toccata and Fugue in D minor](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ho9rZjlsyYY) every few minutes does not count as a jumpscare.
    1. Yes, I know it by its actual name instead of just “That One Creepy Organ Song.”
  21. Kokichi is not allowed to run around with a cordless hand vacuum in an attempt to “catch the most ghosts.”
    1. No, you’re not a Ghostbuster. Not unless it’s Halloween and you dress like one.
    2. Not even if it’s to save Mario.
      1. You’re not Luigi, either.
  22. Do not put fake dismembered limbs in the refrigerator.
  23. Making candy apples is nice. Coating onions in caramel and then attempting to pass them off as candy apples is not nice.
    1. Not even if you willingly eat one of them.
      1. If you use that one type of onion that actually tastes sweet raw, then it’s fine. Otherwise, don’t.
      2. And it’s still not nice to lie about them actually being apples.
  24. No hiding in unexpected places specifically so you can jumpscare people.
  25. Putting a plastic skeleton in the supply closet, while funny, just inconveniences Kirumi.
  26. Kokichi is not allowed to put confetti bombs inside any of the Halloween decorations.
  27. While making spooky jello filled with candy eyeballs is perfectly fine, saying the eyeballs are real is not.
    1. Do not put spicy candies in the spooky jello without telling people first.
  28. No coating brussel sprouts in chocolate and saying that they’re chocolate-covered cherries.
  29. Tsumugi has to stop trying to make Kokichi wear a dress.
    1. Even if it’s “literally the perfect Halloween costume for him.” It will only end badly.
    2. _Especially_ if Miu thinks it’s a good idea, too.
    3. If you manage to find a dress that he _wants_ to wear, then I can't stop you. Just don't force him, or anybody else, to wear things.
  30. Do not tp school property. They’re making the entire class clean it up, even though it was only one person.
    1. Why did you use _twenty pounds_ worth of toilet paper?
    2. The correct answer to that is not “Because I wanted to cover everything twice.”
  31. Kokichi is not a mummy.
    1. No matter how much of the repurposed prank toilet paper he wraps himself in.
    2. Again, Korekiyo is not a mummy either.
      1. Or any other supernatural creature.
      2. Not unless he decides to dress up as one for Halloween.
  32. Kokichi is not allowed to disguise himself as a scarecrow and sit in a corner of the common room so that he can scare people when they walk by.
  33. Do not rig the refrigerator so that a snake pops out when somebody opens the door.
    1. Not even if it’s a fake snake.
    2. Don’t even _think_ about using a real snake.
  34. Don't dress up like a clown and then jumpscare Tsumugi. She _actually_ fainted, and that can be dangerous.
  35. Do not turn the common room into an escape room without telling anybody. Get permission first.
    1. Even if you make it Halloween-themed.
  36. The realistic-looking white chocolate and peanut butter bones were a nice touch, but claiming they were actual bones was more than a little worrying.
  37. Kokichi is not allowed to have paint of any kind, much less black and orange, unless he’s being supervised by Angie. It’s going to take forever to clean the desks off.
    1. Yes, you do have to help clean it up, just like everyone else.
    2. No, we don’t care how long it took for you to learn to draw jack o'lanterns with spray paint.
  38. Do not get Rantaro to buy you excessive amounts of candy.
    1. Not even if you give him the money for it.
    2. If you want candy, go buy it yourself.
  39. It’s fine if you want to help Shuichi find a Halloween costume, but stop trying to convince him to go as Sherlock Holmes specifically so you can be Watson.
  40. Kokichi and Himiko are not allowed to eat literally all of the pumpkin pie we prepared for Halloween and then pass out on the common room couches.
    1. There were _four pies_ , and they weren’t exactly small. How can the two of you even eat that much?
    2. Okay, fine, I’ll believe that you can eat that much. You don’t need to get more pies to prove it.
  41. Asking Maki if she has any “scary murder stories” she can tell for Halloween is a good way to get hurt.
  42. Do not imply that you're going to dig up a dead body just to leave it in somebody's room.
  43. Gonta is not a werewolf.
    1. He's not the Mothman, either.
    2. Or Bigfoot.
  44. Putting Kool-Aid in the gym locker room’s shower heads to make the water look like blood is not allowed.
  45. Kokichi is not allowed to get those fake plastic vampire teeth and then attempt to bite people with them.
    1. Not even if he’s not actually going to bite them.
    2. Even if he takes the teeth out of his mouth first.
    3. Or if they’re the glow-in-the dark kind.
  46. Candy corn is not a suitable topping for pizza.
    1. Not even if you and Kaito actually think it tastes good.
      1. Of the few things the two of you can agree on, how is it that _this_ is one of them?
      2. Nevermind. I don’t want to know.
  47. Do not lick hard candies and then stick them to surfaces.
  48. K1-B0 has a lot of functions, but being a smoke machine is not one of them.
  49. If you want to smash pumpkins, you have to ask permission first. Also, I’m pretty sure that somebody from another class is holding an actual pumpkin-smashing event at some point, anyway. Just go to that.
  50. Kokichi is not allowed to dress up as Samara from _The Ring_ and scare the living daylights out of his classmates.
    1. Yes, it was Halloween and the costume was legitimately impressive, but Tsumugi fainted again.
    2. No, just because Tsumugi inadvertently gave you the idea doesn’t make that okay. I’m pretty sure she regrets ever trying to get you to wear a dress in the first place.
    3. Also I think you managed to give Kaito nightmares.



**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Is their blood pink, or is Pepto secretly red? Who knows!  
> Anyway, happy Halloween! It’s definitely one of the best (and spookiest) holidays, and a whole lot of fun. And if you don’t celebrate Halloween, then we hope you have a wonderful October!  
> Also, expect updates to slow down a bit from here on out. It takes a fair amount of time to come up with new rules even with the two of us, and we’d rather have quality over quantity.  
> If anything from this gives you an idea for a scene in a fic or a one-shot, feel free to use it! All that we request is for you send us a link to whatever you've written.  
> Comments are always appreciated, and thank you for reading!


	4. #251-350

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A word of warning, for now the numbers are going to be even more wonky because last chapter had only 50, but it should be more-or-less fixed next time we post a 50 chapter.

    “Rantaro,” Kaede said, more as a statement than a question. She had been on her way to the common room when she was met with a fairly unusual sight, even by her class’s standards.

     _“--Amami, I swear to Atua--”_

    “Yeah?”

     _“--I rEFUSE to be treated this way--”_

    “Why are you carrying Kokichi?” She asked. The purple-haired boy was slung over Rantaro’s shoulder and was, for all intents and purposes, absolutely _furious_. At least if his string of loudly-shouted childish insults, expletives, and demands to be _put the hell_ **_down_** _right_ **_now_** were anything to go by.

     _“--I’m the Ultimate Supreme Leader of evil, and dAMMIT--”_

    Kaede silently hoped that he wasn’t being loud enough to warrant another visit from dorm security.

     _“--I will send my ENTIRE organization after your sorry ass--”_

    “Well, we all agreed to eat lunch together today, right? Only he suddenly seemed pretty opposed to the idea--”

    “--if you don’t put me _down_ , you _useless piece of fruit_ \--” Kokichi interrupted eloquently, sounding just about ready to stab somebody with an unsharpened stick.

    “--for some reason.”

    “So you’re going to carry him there by force?”

     _“--PUT ME DOWN, RANTARO.”_

    “Basically.”

 

* * *

  **#251-350**

* * *

 

 

  1. Kokichi is not allowed to set a prank to go off while we’re all supposed to be having lunch together and then attempt to skip out on said lunch.
    1. He's not allowed to _successfully_ skip out, either.
  2. Do not launch beyblades at your classmates while shouting “Let it rip!”. You nearly hit several people in the eye.
    1. If you’re going to play with beyblades, there must be an arena and a willing participant.
  3. Introducing Gonta to Pokemon was nice of you. Lying to him about how to get the various kinds of Pokemon is not.
    1. Wait, you weren’t kidding when you said Feebas was the rarest Pokemon to get in that game? _Seriously?_ Creatures that are effectively gods are easier to find than an ugly fish?
  4. Kokichi is not allowed to use school computers to order stuff off of his amazon account.
    1. Nor is he allowed to have said orders be delivered to the school building. The dorms, however, are fine
  5. You were the one who somehow convinced the school to let our class get a dog, so you have to help take care of her.
  6. The dog's name is Princess. Having each of us call her by a different name is just going to confuse her, and that's the one she already responds to.
  7. The saying “when pigs fly” is not an excuse for Kokichi and Miu to actually make that happen.
    1. Dressing Princess up like a pig and making _her_ fly is not good for her.
    2. No flying animals.
      1. I don’t care if it’s technically gliding, no airborne animals!
      2. If an animal naturally flies, that’s a different story.
    3. No facsimiles of animals shall be sent into the air.
  8. Kokichi is not allowed to throw things off the top of the school building.
    1. Nor is he allowed to tell other people to throw things off the building.
      1. We’ve been over this. K1-B0 is a person, and cannot be told to throw things off the building.
  9. Do not sit on one of the pathways on campus at a table with a sign on it that has some kind of controversial statement and the phrase “change my mind” on it.
    1. I know you got that idea off of the internet.
  10. The metal detector was fun until you challenged Kaito to find every single bobby pin in your hair.
    1. Only Miu is allowed to use the metal detector, and that’s because she built it.
  11. Bring Your Pet to School day is not an excuse to try to bring potentially dangerous animals on campus.
    1. No, I don’t want to know if you actually have a jaguar or not.
  12. To whoever decided it was a good idea to give Kokichi pot brownies: _Why._
    1. Yes, he calmed down for awhile, but him being calm is somehow infinitely more unsettling than how he normally is. Don't do it again.
    2. Also see rule 46.
  13. Quit telling people to “go walk around a dark room full of legos while barefoot.”
  14. Stop referring to eyes as “orbs.”
  15. Hooking Kokichi up to a lie detector will accomplish nothing.
    1. _Kokichi_ hooking others up to a lie detector won't accomplish anything, either.
  16. Nobody is allowed to give Princess people food. She’s already going to be the most spoiled animal in existence, she doesn’t need to be fed things that aren’t good for her.
  17. Kokichi is not capable of reading minds. He’s just good at predicting what people might be thinking.
  18. Do not train Princess to howl at Kaito whenever he walks into the room.
  19. We do not draw dicks in permanent marker on _anything_ , much less people’s faces.
    1. If you want to draw something, there are washable markers.
    2. Just because Miu wasn’t sleeping in the common room doesn’t make it okay.
  20. Climbing up on the kitchen counter is unsanitary and dangerous.
    1. If you need to reach something that’s up high, use the stepladder we keep specifically for that purpose, or ask somebody who’s tall to get it for you.
    2. “You can’t force me to submit to height-based oppression” is not an excuse to climb on the counters.
      1. And it’s _definitely_ not a justification.
      2. Neither is saying that you can’t find the stepladder. It’s _right there._
  21. Do not leave Princess’ chew bone in places where it shouldn’t be.
    1. Especially if it’s specifically meant to trip people.
  22. Bursting into tears every single time somebody shows you even the slightest amount of kindness is a good way to get people to stop being nice to you.
    1. I can believe that you’re emotional, and telling you to not display emotions at all would be unfair, but at this point I’m _pretty_ sure that you can exercise a little self-restraint. At least enough to not start crying over Tsumugi letting you borrow a pencil.
  23. Kokichi is not allowed to dump any amount of orbeez in the school pool.
    1. Asahina wasn’t happy with you after the first jello incident, and is even less pleased now. Try not to make her even more mad.
  24. Just because Himiko or Tsumugi says that somebody or something is raising an event flag does not mean that you can put a literal flag on that person or thing.
  25. Whoever set the paper towel dispenser on fire is going to be suspended for a week.
    1. You’re lucky the school didn't press charges of arson, inciting panic, and/or fleeing the scene. Suspension is a slap on the wrist more than anything, so stop complaining.
    2. Once again, _no crime._
      1. It still counts as a crime, even if you didn't get arrested.
    3. Also once again, _no fire_.
  26. We do not throw hands.
    1. It’s your own fault you ended up in the infirmary.
    2. Getting into a fight is not a good excuse to see Mikan.
    3. It's slightly more excusable since you didn't throw the first punch, but still. You're not fast enough to run away from everybody you make angry.
      1. I'm not victim blaming. You _literally said_ “then go ahead and hit me, dumbass,” and then got punched. I don't know why you were expecting anything else.
  27. Cutting your own hair is fine. Attempting to cut somebody else's hair is not.
    1. _Especially_ if you don't have permission.
  28. Nicknames are fine in moderation, but Shuichi's name is not “Succi.”
  29. Forming a band with Ibuki was a terrible decision for everyone involved.
  30. Kokichi is not allowed to buy more grapes than can be reasonably eaten before they go bad.
    1. This applies to all foods.
  31. Shouting “goddamn weeaboo” everytime Tsumugi walks into the room is not allowed.
    1. Even if it’s technically true, it’s still mean.
  32. Kokichi is not a horse.
    1. Not even though he sometimes sounds like a horse when he laughs.
    2. Not even if he has a horse mask.
    3. He’s not the king horse, either.
      1. Even if he puts a crown on the horse mask.
    4. Not even if his last name means that.
    5. Kokichi is not the Supreme Horse Leader.
  33. Do not play the [AOL Dial Up sound](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D1UY7eDRXrs) whenever K1-B0 walks into the room.
  34. If you’re going to play a multiplayer game with somebody, make sure to choose a difficulty level that the other player can function at.
  35. Commas are not upside-down apostrophes.
  36. Do not fill the entire freezer with ice cube trays.
    1. Nobody wants to know what you were planning to do with all of that ice.
    2. Do not fill a plastic container with water, put rubber ducks in it, and then freeze it just so you can take it out later and say that the ice is “quacked.”
  37. Don’t try to get Gundham to take care of Princess for you.
    1. He might be the Ultimate Breeder, and that might be the best idea you've had yet, but Princess is our responsibility.
    2. Asking Gundham for tips is fine, so long as you're not bothering him.
  38. Kokichi is not allowed to inflate a rubber chicken like a balloon. Nobody wants to listen to that.
  39. Quit pointing at people and shouting “Objection!”
    1. Especially if you’re not actually objecting to anything.
    2. Stop trying to convince Shuichi to shout “Objection” at people.
  40. Do not throw a fit over there being no more Panta when you're the one who drunk all of it.
    1. Don't try to get other people to buy more Panta for you.
    2. It's nobody's fault but yours that you spent all of the allowance you get from your organization on stuff for pranks. Get a part-time job if you're _that_ strapped for cash and can’t wait.
      1. Just because you say you don't work doesn't make it true. Isn't being a Supreme Leader technically a job?
        1. I wasn't _trying_ to break him when I said that!
  41. Kokichi is not allowed to participate in high-stakes gambling with Celestia.
  42. The machine that Miu made to automatically play fetch with Princess was a good idea at first, but the additions she keeps making to it are getting unreasonable.
    1. Also K1-B0 keeps asking what the name of it means and I refuse to be the one to explain it.
  43. Kokichi is no longer allowed to explain the names of Miu’s inventions to K1-B0.
  44. Just because Tsumugi forced Kokichi to play _Earthbound_ for the first time and then told everybody about how he actually cried at the end does not mean that Miu can keep teasing him about it. Pretty much everyone gets emotional over games sometimes.
    1. That is _not_ a declaration of undying love. It's not even close.
    2. Saying that you don't ever cry at all is possibly the most blatant lie I've ever heard.
  45. Shouting “Ravioli ravioli don’t lewd the magic loli” at Tenko every time she even looks at Himiko is not allowed.
    1. Also don’t threaten to call the “pedo police.”
    2. We’re all around the same age, otherwise we wouldn’t be in the same year. Stop.
  46. Do not shout that horses are more powerful than whores and then throw one of those plastic toy horses at Miu.
    1. Or any other horse-related paraphernalia.
      1. Don’t throw things at Miu.
    2. Also, no calling anybody a whore. Especially not if it’s just because you realized it sounds similar to horse.
  47. Running up to somebody from behind and then hugging them with no warning is not allowed.
  48. Do not set chickens loose on school property.
    1. Or _anywhere_ , for that matter.
  49. Kokichi is not allowed to cover the walls of the common room in any type of poster.
  50. Dominoes are fun, but if you’re going to set them up in the common room without telling anybody first, it’s your own fault if they get accidentally knocked over.
    1. No, I don’t want to know where you got 3000 of them.
  51. Do not get any amount of pigs, paint ascending numbers on them, skip a number, and then set them loose to watch people try to find the pig painted with 4 that doesn’t exist.
    1. Or any variation of that with any other animal.
    2. Also no taking animals from the zoology labs, we’ve been over this before.
  52. Birds are real. Stop trying to convince people that they aren’t.
    1. Do not _successfully_ convince anybody that birds aren’t real.
    2. Or that birds are secretly some kind of recording device.
    3. Don’t have Miu make a mechanical bird and use that as “proof”.
  53. Do not graffiti any variation of “uwu” on school property.
    1. Do not graffiti school property, period.
  54. Stop verbally pronouncing “~”, it’s making everybody uncomfortable.
    1. How are you even _doing_ that?
      1. “I just say ‘~’” is not the answer to that.
  55. Kokichi is not allowed to offer to print out flyers for anything and then change the font on the template to comic sans before printing them out.
  56. Do not paint fake directional arrows on the floor of any building in an attempt to get people stuck in an infinite loop.
  57. Do not ask people if they want to see time fly and then throw a clock out of the window.
    1. Or an hourglass.
    2. Or a sundial.
      1. Not even if it’s a miniature one.
    3. Or a stopwatch.
    4. Do not throw any timekeeping devices of any kind out of the window.
      1. Or _any_ window.
  58. Walking up to Tsumugi and telling her that all of her waifus are trash specifically so you can start an argument is not allowed.
    1. You’re not allowed to say her husbandos are trash, either.
  59. Princess is not the hound from _The Hound of the Baskervilles_ , no matter how many references to that story you make.
    1. She’s not even the right breed of dog.
  60. Kokichi is not allowed to be argumentative for the sake of being argumentative.
    1. I realize you like to bother people, but trying to contradict everything somebody says just for the sake of making them angry is not allowed.
    2. If you want to argue with people _that_ badly, then go join the Speech and Debate club.
  61. Just because Kokichi causes the most conflict does not mean that he should be the boss.
  62. Do not call somebody to enter a room just so you can immediately tell them to leave.
  63. Do not prank the teachers. They spend their lives making sure we know what we need, and don't deserve to have to deal with pranks.
  64. Kokichi is not allowed to bring multiple book bags to school specifically so he can fill them with rubber ducks and/or chickens. Maki nearly tripped over one and we almost had a more dangerous repeat of last time.
  65. do not alter anybodys keyboard so that they cant use proper capitalization or punctuation
    1. Orsotheycan'tusethespacebar.
    2. anddefinitelydontdobothatthesametime
  66. Kokichi is not allowed to purposefully spoil the endings of things for people.
    1. Do it again and I’ll have Tsumugi tell you spoilers about whatever anime you’re in the middle of watching.
    2. I know she knows which anime you watch. She somehow knows what anime everybody watches, or at least which ones they’d like if they don’t.
  67. Just because you can do something doesn't mean you should do that thing.
    1. Nor does it make it a good idea.
  68. Rantaro calling you “a good example of a bad example” is _not_ encouragement and should not be treated as such.
  69. I can't believe I have to make _this_ a rule, but Kokichi is not allowed to run with scissors. Not even if they're safety scissors.
    1. Just because they have safety in the name does not mean that they're unable to stab things.
      1. _Do not test that._
    2. Don’t make me ban you from handling scissors while unsupervised. You’re not five.
  70. Pain is not the source of all comedy. Stop trying to prove that it is.
  71. Kokichi is not allowed to force people to listen to him read large passages out of a painfully unfunny joke book.
    1. Especially not if it’s _Jokes for Minecrafters._
    2. Not even if he somehow manages to make some of it funny because of the way he reads the jokes.
  72. Do not get K1-B0 to participate in gambling with you or anybody else.
    1. Just because he’s a robot doesn’t mean he automatically knows how to or wants to count cards.
  73. Kokichi is not allowed to use permanent markers.
    1. Or write on clothing with normal markers while fully aware that it will permanently stain.
    2. I’m not sure what Tsumugi will do if you don’t stop, but it won’t be pretty.
      1. No one has any sympathies for you, Kokichi, so stop complaining. Perfume washes out. Your masculinity can take a hit.
  74. Kokichi is not allowed to spray copious amounts of cologne anywhere, least of all himself.
    1. Did you _really_ need to use the worst smelling one you could find?
      1. “Because it restores [your] masculinity” is not the right answer to that.
      2. Neither is revenge.
  75. No-one is allowed to put on overbearing amounts of perfume or cologne.
    1. Any amount of AX is overbearing.
  76. Do not attempt to fight geese or any other animal.
    1. Not even if it looked at you funny.
    2. If it comes at you first, defend yourself if you need to, but do not actively antagonize animals.
  77. Stop threatening to report people to HR. This is a school, we don’t even _have_ that department.
  78. Just because Kokichi joined the Speech and Debate club does not mean that he can go out in public, stand on something tall, and give _any kind_ of speech.
    1. Especially not if he’s wearing the hat and cape.
  79. Ship-shipping ship shipping shipping ships.
    1. Kokichi is still not allowed to edit this list.
    2. Also where do you keep finding sentences that don’t look proper but are?
      1. Nevermind. I should know by now not to question you.
  80. Kokichi is not allowed to lead any kind of revolution.
    1. Nor is he allowed to fight against any revolution.
    2. No matter [how](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BQdCWBntQ7o) [many](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XuYF-EnpLpc) [songs](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IdScQ1UonGM) [from](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=puHjWpciOP8) Les Miserables he blasts.
  81. Do not shout “Off with his head!”, no matter the context.
    1. You’re not the King of Hearts.
    2. You’re not the _Queen_ of Hearts either.
    3. The other classes are looking weirdly at us again. Stop.
  82. Stop saying you’re gender fluid and demanding everyone refer to you with different pronouns every five minutes. It’s insulting, and we all know this isn’t how you act when you want people to take you seriously.
    1. You’re not allowed to say you identify as increasingly elaborate genders, either. Again, as silly as some of them may be, it’s insulting and at this rate you’re going to be lynched, and not by us.
  83. Stop taking it as a personal insult whenever somebody calls you out for lying.
  84. You’re not an anime character. Doing the Naruto Run wherever you go is giving us serious secondhand embarrassment.
    1. Also it’s really bad running form.
  85. No matter how many times you say it, Tsumugi is not a weeaboo.
    1. By definition, it’s actually impossible for a Japanese person to be a weeaboo.
    2. Stop arguing, dangit. The discussion is over.
  86. Do not T-pose to assert dominance.
    1. Not even if you get other people to do it with you.
    2. I know what a [T-pose](https://knowyourmeme.com/memes/t-pose) is. You don’t have to recite a ten-page essay to explain it.
  87. Stop attempting to imitate a violin player without an actual violin.
    1. Before you do anything, that was _not_ an excuse _or_ reason to get one.
    2. If you rent one or buy one, fine, but don’t even think about stealing one.
  88. Commissioning something from Hifumi is fine. Sharing it with the rest of the class is not.
    1. If someone asks to see them I can’t really stop you, but only show that person.
  89. Kokichi is not allowed to send anybody on a search for an item that does not exist.
  90. Leaving Tenko and Teruteru in the same room alone is a terrible idea, no matter how funny or satisfying the ensuing video is.
    1. Not even if the video goes viral.
  91. Just because you’ve been playing Xenoblade Chronicles does not mean you can run around shouting “I’m really feeling it.”
    1. Or any other catchphrase from that game.
  92. Stop asking people if they’ve caught “the gay.”
    1. It’s still subtext _at best_.
    2. Do not ask Tenko that. It’s mean.
    3. You have no right to complain about being objectified or whatever when someone asks you that in return.
      1. Blushing and glancing around just makes you easier to tease.
      2. Even if you say you were faking it to mess with people.
      3. _Especially_ if you say you were faking it.
  93. Quit asking Miu nonsensical questions about her inventions.
  94. Kokichi is not allowed to be alone in the same room as Nagito ever again.
    1. Nobody knows what you were planning and nobody _wants_ to.
  95. Kokichi is not allowed to possess or use _any kind_ of firework or even remotely explosive substance/device.
    1. Fire was bad enough by itself. We don’t want to blow up the school, either.
  96. Stop terrorizing Himiko with _The Dark Crystal_.
    1. Actually, I don’t think it’s creepy.
  97. Kokichi is not an inkling. Not even if he fills a water gun with paint and tries to fight people with it.
    1. He’s not an octoling either.
  98. I’m fairly sure “inconceivable” does not mean what you think it does.
  99. Attempting to make every possible pun that you can based off of the fact that it’s Autumn is not allowed.
    1. You’re not allowed to _succeed_ at doing so, either.
  100. As amusing as calling Thanksgiving “Turkey Day” is, bringing an actual turkey into class is a bad idea.
    1. Even if it is hypoallergenic.
    2. Also we don’t even celebrate Thanksgiving.
    3. And what do we say about stealing animals from the Zoology labs?
      1. “It’s good and I should do it” is not the right answer.



**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Around a month later and we finally have a new chapter for all of you. The next one will probably be the Christmas list. Happy Thanksgiving to any readers in the US, and to everybody else we hope you have a wonderful day!  
> In 252, Kokichi may or may not actually be lying, depending on the game he’s talking about. If he's talking about Ruby, Sapphire, or Emerald, then he’s telling the truth. If he's talking about Diamond, Pearl, or Platinum, he's lying, because Munchlax is the most difficult pokemon to find. If you want a more in-depth explanation, here's one for Feebas (https://www.serebii.net/games/feebas.shtml), and here's one for Munchlax (https://www.dragonflycave.com/sinnoh/honey-trees).  
> 275 is actually inspired by real events that happened while we were writing chapters 3 and 4. The leading theory is that someone was bored and had a lighter.  
> If anything from this gives you an idea for a scene in a fic or a one-shot, feel free to use it! All that we request is for you send us a link to whatever you've written.  
> Comments are always appreciated, and thank you for reading!


	5. #351-400 - Christmas Special Edition

    It wasn’t really unexpected that the only students in Kaede’s class to stay over winter break were Maki, Ryoma, Kokichi, and Kaede herself.

    And it wasn’t surprising at all when an undecorated, fake Christmas tree appeared in the common room seemingly overnight, along with a few boxes of decorations.

    “Aaaalrighty, you guys! Let’s get festive!” Kokichi said once they’d all gathered, stars in his eyes.

    “This is stupid,” Maki replied. “There are only four of us. There’s no point in putting up decorations.”

    “Of course there’s a point!” Kokichi protested, his expression exaggeratedly angry. “Decorating is _super_ important. We gotta do it right, otherwise the Ghost of Christmas Future will come and turn us into coal or something!”

    “I don’t think that that’s how that story goes, Kokichi,” Kaede said.

    “Well, duh. But it’s still important.”

    “I wouldn’t have thought you were the kind to like Christmas,” Ryoma said. “It isn’t exactly an ‘evil’ holiday like Halloween.”

    “Of _course_ I like Christmas. Santa Claus is great! How many other people do you know that’ve spread lies all over the world like that!?”

    “...I shouldn’t be surprised.”

     _“Anyway,”_ Kaede said, perhaps a little more loudly than she needed to, “I actually kind of agree with Kokichi for once. I think that putting up decorations would be a nice way to do something other than just sit around.”

    “You guys do what you want. I’m going back to my room.” Maki turned away to leave, but was stopped by Kokichi grabbing her arm.

    “Not so fast, little miss sunshine! You’re not getting out of decorating _that_ easy.”

    There was a moment of silence.

     _“Do you wanna die?”_

    “Not really! Buuut, I talked to Kaito, and he _totally_ agreed that you should help us!” He let go of Maki’s arm and pulled out his cell phone to show her an earlier text conversation. “See? I’m not even lying!”

    Maki swiped the device and scrolled through the conversation pulled up on it. She glared daggers at Kokichi, but apparently whatever she’d read was enough to convince her, as she half-threw, half-tossed the phone to return it and turned back towards the group.

    “I guess I have nothing better to do than to help you guys set up.”

 

* * *

  **#351-400, Christmas Special Edition**

* * *

 

  1. Do not blast Christmas carols all day. As much as I love Carol of the Bells, it gets grating after the twentieth time.
  2. Do not set up a giant present in the common room just so you can hide inside it, then pop out and scare people.
    1. Or so that you can hide inside it for no reason.
  3. Princess is not Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer.
    1. Not even if the costume is adorable.
  4. _No_. No joke books.
  5. Kokichi is not the Grinch, and he’s not allowed to “steal all of the Christmas.”
  6. If you want to give people candy canes, that’s fine, but stop replacing people’s things with horrible replicas made out of candy canes.
    1. Or with good replicas made out of candy canes.
    2. Or with decent replicas made out of candy canes.
    3. Or with _any_ replicas made out of candy canes.
  7. Ryoma is not one of Santa’s elves.
    1. Himiko is not one of Santa’s elves.
    2. Kokichi is not one of Santa’s elves, not even if he wants to be.
      1. If you want to call yourself one of Satan’s elves, I can’t really find a way to argue with that, because I honestly wouldn’t doubt it at this point.
  8. Do not individually wrap all of the food items in the refrigerator.
    1. Or in the cabinets.
    2. Or any of the dishes.
    3. Or appliances.
    4. Or cutlery.
    5. Or furniture.
    6. Or your classmates.
      1. Even though it was just a giant present bow and Himiko agreed to it, I’m pretty sure Tenko nearly spontaneously combusted because of how cute she thought it looked.
      2. It _was_ cute, but we could hear Tenko’s fangirl squeeing from three floors away. Not even Tsumugi gets that loud.
    7. Unless it’s a gift that you bought for somebody to give to them for Christmas, do not wrap it.
    8. Don’t _rap_ anything, either.
  9. It’s cool that you got an RC car as an early Christmas gift, but if you keep trying to trip people with it, somebody’s going to step on it and break it.
    1. Honestly, what do you want me to say? I told you so.
    2. If you’re that sad, then ask Miu to fix it. But you have to ask her nicely.
      1. Being nice to Miu is _not_ “basically a punishment.”
      2. If you keep insisting that you don’t know how to be nice to people, I’m going to have Kirumi and Gonta give you lessons on it.
        1. That’s what I thought.
  10. Do not tape presents to the floor.
  11. Rantaro is not a Christmas tree, regardless of how much tinsel you throw at him.
  12. The ugly sweaters are funny, but having one that plays music is a little too much.
  13. Just because Angie told you that Santa isn’t real doesn’t mean you can act overdramatically depressed about it.
    1. Plus you _already know_ that that’s the case.
    2. Literally yesterday you were bugging Himiko about whether or not she knows Santa isn’t real.
  14. Kokichi is not allowed to convince any of his classmates to dress up as Santa specifically so he can steal and hide the fake beard at the worst possible moment.
  15. Do not tie a zip-tie around a bottle of air freshener and then throw it in to the common room. Even if it’s scented for the holiday, it’s not going to boost anybody’s Christmas spirit.
  16. Calling Miu a “ho-ho-hoe” is not even close to a clever insult.
  17. _No candles._ We do not use fire _ever_.
    1. If you’re not going to light them, then it’s fine. But otherwise no candles, no matter how much they “set the tone for Christmas”.
      1. Or how much they set the tone for Hanukkah, because we still can’t leave an open flame out without somebody watching it, and nobody trusts you with matches or lighters anymore.
  18. Kokichi is not allowed to hang wreaths off of his classmates.
  19. Do not bring “sexy santa” outfits to school to try to bug the girls into wearing them.
    1. The answer is _still_ no!
    2. And don't even _think_ about asking the other class’ girls.
    3. Don't ask the _boys_ to do it either!
    4. Kokichi, how is it _not_ your fault that Tenko punched you?
    5. Stop bugging Mikan! You _know_ she's a doormat, it's not nice to take advantage of her like that.
    6. Kokichi is not allowed to _successfully_ get one of his peers to dress in a “sexy santa” outfit.
      1. I was going to say it was scarring, only Sonia managed to make it look good.
  20. As amusing as Gundham's reaction to that was, you're not allowed to blackmail him over it.
  21. There is no war on Christmas, and you’re not allowed to wage it.
  22. Speaking entirely in rhyme because “that’s what everybody does around Christmas” is not allowed.
  23. I'm not sure how you managed to hang so much mistletoe around not only our common room, but also the common rooms of classes 77 and 78 in a single night, but don't do it again.
    1. Don’t do it over multiple nights -- or days -- either.
  24. If there is mistletoe around, do not set up cameras specifically to catch people making out.
  25. Kokichi is not allowed to specifically trap people under mistletoe. Also see 373 and 374.
  26. Nobody is obligated to kiss anybody else just because they’re standing under mistletoe, especially if you’re trying to get somebody to kiss you. Knock it off.
    1. If you keep doing it, everyone is going to assume that there’s somebody in particular you want to trap.
    2. Considering that you’re an admitted liar, vehemently denying that you want to trap anybody specific is only more incriminating.
      1. Tsumugi is not to take this as actual proof of Kokichi having a crush on somebody, and she’s not allowed to pester him about it.
  27. Do not blast Christmas songs, even if they’re not technically carols. If people want to listen to Christmas music, they will do so on their own time without annoying everybody else.
    1. Do not blast Hanukkah songs, either.
    2. Not even if it’s [this one.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qSJCSR4MuhU)
      1. Yes, it’s a genuinely good cover and generally informative, but even the best songs get grating when played at max volume on a terrible speaker ad nauseum.
  28. Kokichi is not the ghost of Christmas past, present or future.
  29. Leaving _The Lion The Witch and The Wardrobe_ playing on repeat on the common room TV is not allowed.
    1. Just because Santa is in it does not make it “technically a Christmas movie.”
  30. Kokichi is not, has never been and will never be The Elf On The Shelf.
  31. Kokichi is no longer allowed to cover the entire common room floor in model train tracks without asking first.
    1. Not even if it’s because he “missed Mr. Bones’ wild ride,” whatever that is.
      1. Honestly at this point, I [shouldn’t be surprised](https://imgur.com/gallery/Wxzbl).
  32. Stop playing [meme](https://youtu.be/5pF7cXo1qC0) [edits](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_bYzRUaMEAk) of Christmas songs.
    1. Even if some of them do sound good.
  33. Kokichi is not a ninja elf from _Arthur Christmas_.
    1. Not even if he has all of the equipment.
  34. I’m not sure what “Jelsa” is, but please stop saying you ship it. Once was more than enough.
    1. What even _is_ Jelsa?
    2. I confirmed that with Tsumugi as well. What I want to know now is _why_ someone would ship Elsa and Jack Frost to begin with.
  35. I’m not sure how you found a Japanese dub of _Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer_ and I don’t want to know, but we’re not watching it.
  36. The _Star Wars Christmas Special_ is banned from movie night.
    1. So is the live-action _How The Grinch Stole Christmas_.
    2. And the live-action _Cat In The Hat_.
  37. Just because Die Hard is technically a Christmas movie does not mean you can force others to watch it with you.
  38. It’s nice that you got the supplies for everybody to make a gingerbread house together, but it’s taking up the entire common room table, and I’m not sure it’s structurally sound enough to keep from falling over for much longer.
  39. _The Polar Express_ is a good story, but you’re not allowed to treat every single silver-sheened bell around as if it was from Santa’s sleigh.
  40. Kokichi is not allowed to play _The Polar Express_ ’s OST on repeat all day. It’s significantly harder to practice piano music when you’ve got _Hot Chocolate_ stuck in your head.
  41. Stop asking people if they want a candy cane and then licking the one you’re about to hand them.
  42. Ugly Christmas sweaters are fine and all, but you’re really overdoing it. Tsumugi didn’t even know it was _possible_ to tack that much stuff onto a sweater.
    1. Also glitter is now banned from the common room.
  43. Don’t ask Kaito if he wants to watch Christmas movies with you and then put on _The Nightmare Before Christmas_.
    1. It’s a Halloween movie, anyways.
    2. You're not allowed to put on any horror B-movies that are Christmas themed, either.
  44. Stop with the Christmas movies. Most of them are only debatably Christmas movies, anyway.
    1. Especially the bad ones.
  45. Running up to others and shoving snow down the back of their shirts and/or coats in unacceptable.
    1. Regardless of whether or not you do it inside or outside.
    2. Keebo counts. Don’t put snow on Keebo, regardless of whether or not he’s waterproof.
  46. Kokichi is not allowed to knock down snowmen.
    1. If it’s one that he built, then it’s fine.
    2. Also, don’t start singing “do you wanna build a snowman” every time you want to ask somebody if they want to go play in the snow.
  47. Snowball fights are fine, so long as everyone involved consents to participating.
  48. Getting everyone gifts was actually really nice of you, especially since they weren’t pranks, but did you _really_ need to use the most garish wrapping paper you could find?
  49. Do not write Christmas cards in invisible ink.
  50. Setting at least several hundred party poppers to go off at once is not allowed.
    1. Not even though it was for New Year’s.



**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can’t believe we forgot to reference Mr Bones’ wild ride for the Halloween one smh.  
> Merry Christmas everyone, and a Happy New Year! Let this be our Christmas gift to all of you. Next chapter is going to be another 50, and maybe the one after as well. Depends on if we can get a set out before the end of January or not.  
> If anything from this gives you an idea for a scene in a fic or a one-shot, feel free to use it! All that we request is for you send us a link to whatever you've written.  
> Comments are always appreciated, and thank you for reading!


	6. #401-450

   “So if I break one of the rules, I either have to help Kirumi with chores as a punishment, or you guys won't let me go with you on weekend trips to the city, right?”

    “Kokichi. The rules have been in place for half a year already.”

    “ _Aaaaaand_?”

    “...you’re not going to leave me alone until I answer you.”

    “Pr- _it_ ty much,”

    “ _Right_. It depends on how badly you break the rules. And you don’t actually get a choice.”

    “Ughhhh, that's so boring, _Kayayday_.”

    “You know that’s not how my name’s pronounced.”

    “Oh, really? Jeez, I can't believe I've been pronouncing it wrong this _whole time._ ”

    “No you haven’t.”

    “No, I totally have been! Man, what kind of Supreme Leader am I? I can’t even get my classmates’ _n-names_ right.”

    “Yeah, you’re definitely lying.”

    “Totally! It’s just _super_ easy to get on your nerves, Kaede!”

    “......why are you like this?”

 

 

 

* * *

 

**#401-450**

* * *

 

 

  1. Don’t fake a speech impediment. It’s insulting, and we’re all _very_ aware that you can talk perfectly fine.
  2. “It’s for a book” is only a valid excuse when you’re talking about google search history.
    1. Nobody wants to see your google search history.
      1. _Especially_ if you’re “definitely on a government watchlist” because of it.
  3. Kokichi is not allowed to add the phrase “thank you for coming to my TED talk” to the end of everything he says.
  4. Stop chasing K1-B0 around and throwing torn-up pieces of paper at him.
    1. Or untorn pieces of paper.
    2. Or notebooks that you ripped all of the pages out of.
    3. Do not throw things at K1-B0.
  5. Nobody is allowed to put Kokichi in a child leash, not even though it was funny.
  6. Quit stealing people’s shoelaces.
    1. Nobody needs that many shoelaces, and your shoes don’t even _have_ laces in the first place.
  7. Stop playing “Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon”.
  8. Do not tackle people to the ground.
    1. Not even if it's supposed to be a sign of friendship.
    2. Especially if you're standing on something to give yourself a height advantage.
  9. No cults.
  10. “Rioting is bad” is _not_ a challenge.
  11. Kokichi is not allowed to tell others that if they run at automatic doors, the doors will open in time to go through.
    1. It's not true, and you know it.
    2. Saying that it's “to weed out the weak” is not acceptable.
  12. Don’t talk entirely in tropes. Only Tsumugi sort-of understands you.
  13. Do not use a bunch of glowsticks to make a creepy looking face on the common room wall to startle anybody who wants a late-night snack.
  14. Kokichi is not sponsored by Skillshare.
    1. Or by Audible.
    2. Or by anything, aside from his organization.
  15. No ventriloquist dummies.
  16. Despite having an excessive amount of energy, Kokichi is not the Duracell bunny.
  17. Excessive amounts of crazy straws are not allowed.
  18. Sleeping is not communist propaganda.
    1. Or any other type of propaganda.
  19. Stop physically printing out memes and then leaving and/or taping them up in various places on campus.
    1. You’re not an illegal meme dealer. Those don’t exist.
    2. Okay, they don’t exist _yet._
  20. No pyramid schemes.
    1. MLMs are not a legitimate business model, and I know you're not dumb, gullible, or short-sighted enough to actually fall for one.
    2. I'll admit that you're clever enough to _run_ one, but still. Don't.
  21. Kokichi is not allowed to have a screaming contest with Ibuki in public.
    1. It sounded like somebody was being murdered or something, and you guys almost got the police called on you.
    2. Seriously, go to the music room. It’s way more soundproof than anywhere else in the school.
  22. While it may be impressive that you can keep it up for that long, do not talk exclusively in hewwo-speak. It’s disturbing.
  23. Stop making Tsumugi mad by criticizing _Sword Art Online_.
    1. Even if the criticism is legitimate.
  24. No 1000 Degree Knives.
    1. Again, _no fire_. Blowtorches are even _worse_ than matches and lighters!
      1. Where did you even _get_ a blowtorch?
      2. Kokichi is not allowed to steal equipment from the kitchens.
      3. Or from any of the labs that use blowtorches.
    2. They're not anywhere near 1000 degrees Fahrenheit, and we use Celsius anyway.
      1. They’re not at 1000 degrees _Celsius_ , either.
  25. Kokichi is not allowed to incite violence.
    1. Or panic.
    2. Or mass hysteria.
  26. I’m not sure how you did it, but do not replace the refrigerator light bulb with one that cycles through different colors.
    1. Don’t replace it with _anything_. Just… just put the original bulb back.
  27. Kokichi is not a comic relief character, no matter how many jokes he cracks at inappropriate times.
  28. Do not steal people’s shoes.
    1. Do not steal just one of somebody’s shoes, either.
  29. Do not use a Fahrenheit thermometer to try and fake being sick. If your body temperature was at 98°C, you’d be _dead._
  30. Don’t ask anyone if they want a s'more and then hand them a s’more pop tart.
  31. _We do not use knives,_ ** _ever_**.
    1. I don’t _care_ if it’s not a real knife, you scared us half to death with that thing. _No knives_.
    2. And no running with sharp things in general.
  32. Do not shoot people with a water gun.
    1. Do not chase after people in order to shoot them with a water gun.
    2. “I’m just fighting like an evil leader” is not a justification or an excuse.
  33. Stop telling others that you put a “supernatural lovecraftian gaping maw” in their closets. Just because most people won’t believe that doesn’t mean that everybody will.
  34. “100% organic, non-GMO” salt is no different than regular salt, and Kokichi is not allowed to sell it claiming that it is.
  35. Reciting the holy hand grenade speech from Monty Python and the Holy Grail is only okay if you don't follow it up by throwing a glitter bomb.
    1. Or a water balloon.
    2. Or any other kind of prank.
  36. Yes, milk _is_ gluten free. So is water.
  37. No fortnite dances.
  38. Kokichi is not the dragonborn and is incapable of using dragon shouts for anything other than being annoying.
  39. Stop going on about the superiority of the PC master race. We know you have a Switch, and that’s not a PC.
    1. Stop monologuing about the superiority of the PC master race while playing the Switch. Chiaki, Chihiro, and Tsumugi might have found it funny, but it was still only funny the first time.
  40. If Kokichi wants to go run around in the snow without a winter coat, he’s entirely within his right to do so. But he’s not allowed to complain about being cold afterwards.
  41. Using a spray bottle on Kokichi whenever he misbehaves is not allowed, no matter how funny it is. He’s not a cat.
    1. Not even if it was surprisingly effective.
    2. Kokichi is not a cat, no matter much he tries to argue that he is.
  42. There doesn’t need to be a custody battle over who will get to take Princess home over Summer break. We can just have the people who are both able and willing to look after her draw lots.
  43. To whoever gave Kokichi permanent markers: there are now scribblings over every public bathroom mirror in the dorms and school -- boys’ _and_ girls’ -- some more polite than others.
    1. Kokichi is not allowed to use a permanent marker of any kind ever again.
      1. Not even if someone gives it to him.
        1. _Especially_ if it’s Angie.
  44. Using fake blood to write ominous messages about the inevitability of death and vengeful ghosts on any kind of surface is not allowed.
    1. Kaito refuses to leave his room until it’s taken down.
    2. And don’t use any other substance to write spooky messages, either.
  45. Stop pestering Himiko about whether or not she’s a furry.
  46. Running into the room, pointing a toy gun at someone or something, and shouting “DELETE THIS” was only funny once, and only because it was obviously a toy.
  47. Kokichi is not allowed to actively attempt to get people to break their New Year’s resolutions.
  48. Don’t mess with other people’s Christmas gifts. You’re free to do whatever you want with your own, but other people's’ property is off limits.
  49. Nobody gets the joke you’re trying to make by saying “I always have Windows on my Mac”, and nobody cares.
  50. Stop trying to fake being sick.
    1. One of these days, you’re _actually_ going to be sick and nobody is going to believe you because you cried wolf too many times.



**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here’s a set of 50 rules for January! It’s shorter than the chapters we’ve been posting up until now mostly as a preventative measure against creative burnout and/or a decrease in the overall quality of this fic.  
> Either way, we hope that 2019 is going well for all of you!  
> If anything from this gives you an idea for a scene in a fic, one-shot, or for use as a prompt, feel free to use it! All that we request is for you send us a link to whatever you've written.  
> Comments are always appreciated, and thank you for reading!  
> EDIT: I DID IT I FIGURED OUT HOW TO MAKE THE NUMBERS OF THE LIST WORK AND IT ONLY REQUIRED A LITTLE BIT OF FIGHTING WITH HTML -Eighth_Notes


	7. #451-500 - Valentine's Day Special Edition

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Corn hub and hot malm are both SFW parody "porn" websites referenced in this chapter. If you want to follow the links to them, they don’t have any pictures that’d get you in trouble, but still use your common sense since they run on raunchy humor.  
> Also, this chapter lives up to the T rating. There’s more than a handful of entries that go farther than everything up ‘til now, and some people might be uncomfortable with them, so be warned. Though it’s not necessarily much worse than some of the humor found in v3.

    Kaede walked into the common room to the sound of very familiar, slightly grating laughter.

    Or, more specifically, to the sight of Kokichi laughing his ass off at Rantaro and Shuichi, who were--for some unknowable reason--handcuffed together.

    “Seriously, Kokichi?” Kaede sighed, walking up to her classmates.

    “Whaaat? Don’t yell at me just for laughing.”

    Kaede was about to argue that point before Shuichi spoke up.

    “Actually, it was Miu who did this,” he clarified.

    “Of course it was,” Kaede sighed. Again. She'd been doing that a lot, recently.

    “Woah!” Kokichi overdramatically gasped. “Are you telling me that that mindless bitch had a  _ good idea!?” _

    “I’d question why you think it’s a good idea,” Rantaro said, “but this is exactly the kind of thing you’d pull.”

    “Aww, you know me  _ so  _ well.”

_ “Anyway,” _ Kaede said, ever the problem solver. “Kokichi, do you know how to pick handcuff locks?”

    He looked at Kaede as if she had just declared herself an avid supporter of the flat earth model. “Y’know, just ‘cause I can pick door locks doesn’t mean I can do the same with handcuffs. I’m not some kind of  _ criminal.” _

    “But… didn’t you once show me you knew how to?” Shuichi asked.

    The Supreme Leader paused, his face immediately dropping into an eerily neutral expression that his classmates had honestly (mostly) gotten used to by this point, before smiling cheekily and laughing. “Ahaha, whaaat? Nuh-uh. No way. I don’t remember that. Not at all.”

    “Just give it up,” Rantaro said.

_ “Shuichi how could you betray me like this.” _

    “So are you going to help them out here, or not?” Kaede asked.

    “I mean, I  _ could,” _ Kokichi put his hands behind his head and smiled in a way that was somehow both entirely earnest and incredibly grating, “but isn’t there, like, a rule against lockpicking?”

    Kaede sighed. “Technically, but it’s fine just this once, since you’d be helping.”

    “O-kay. But, what if I don’t really  _ want _ to?”

    The glare Kaede shot him was more than enough of an answer.

    “Alright,  _ fiiiine. _ Buzzkill.” Kokichi continued to complain as he pulled out a bobby pin. He bent it all the way open and used it to unlock the handcuff around Shuichi’s wrist. But as soon as Shuichi moved out of the way, Kokichi grabbed Kaede’s arm and closed the now-free handcuff around  _ her _ wrist.

    “What!?” Kaede said, too startled to immediately get angry.

_ “Why?” _ Shuichi asked, similarly startled.

    “Revenge, obviously,” Kokichi said and pointed at Rantaro. “That’s for picking me up against my will that one time!” 

    “That was a while ago. Why are you just getting revenge  _ now?” _ Rantaro said.

    “‘Cause this was a  _ perfect _ opportunity!”

    “I can’t believe you,” Kaede said, shaking off her surprise. “Just, quit messing around and free us!”

    “No way! I exist to sow chaos!” At that, Kokichi turned around and ran away laughing, but in his escape managed to run smack into a door that somebody had accidentally opened in his path. Not that it slowed him down any, because he just started laughing louder and continued to run, though he moved more to the center of the hallway to avoid any more hazardous doors.

 

* * *

**#451-500, Valentine's Day Special Edition  
**

* * *

  1. Miu is not allowed to have handcuffs ever again.
  2. Kokichi is not allowed to use handcuffs, regardless of whether or not they were there before he got there.
    1. Stop. Nobody wants to hear about hypothetical situations in which someone may or may not _want_ you to put handcuffs on them.
      1. The same thing applies to Miu.
  3. If there's a situation in which I say you can break a rule, you're allowed to break that specific rule for that specific situation, only the once. After that you need permission from me again.
    1. Yes, Rantaro did help me with the loopholes for this one.
      1. Quit complaining about that being unfair. You make a hobby of circumventing all the rules anyways.
  4. Yes, old sex-ed educational videos are funny, but stop leaving them to play on repeat on the common room TV. We’re already in high school. Nobody wants or needs that kind of secondhand embarrassment.
  5. Do not leave erotica books lying around.
    1. Or erotica manga.
    2. Or any other kind of erotica.
  6. No more dick-shaped confetti.
    1. Or _anything_ shaped like that.
  7. Don’t draw vaginas, either.
    1. Or any other part of the female reproductive tract.
  8. Kokichi is not allowed to play Seven Minutes In Heaven with anybody _ever again_ , for the safety of both him and others.
    1. Yes, I am calling you weak, at least physically. You look like a strong wind could blow you over, and the _one time_ you got into an actual fistfight you lost badly.
  9. I know who gave the chocolate box with the fake spider in it to Kokichi. Yes, it was hilarious, and he definitely deserved a taste of his own medicine, but he’s been hiding in his room all day since then and I don’t know if I should be scared that he’s planning something or concerned that he actually took it badly, because he’s not answering the door.
  10. Kokichi is not allowed to treat it as a declaration of undying love whenever somebody speaks to him.
  11. Stop blackmailing people with the pictures you got from the mistletoe.
    1. Even though the one with Sonia and Gundham is legitimately cute.
    2. Don't blackmail anyone with _anything_.
  12. The “sexy thing” is in the incinerator now. _Never again_.
  13. Boob jokes aren’t nearly as funny as you or Miu think they are.
  14. Stop leaving condoms everywhere. Just stop. We _really_ don’t need any more misunderstandings or second hand embarrassment.
    1. _How did you even get these things into the other common rooms?!_
      1. “Magic” is _not_ the appropriate answer to that.
        1. And neither is “dark magic.”
        2. Nor is “ask Himiko”.
    2. You’re never doing anything like this again. Sonia and Gundham can’t even be in the same room without blushing.
    3. Kokichi is going to write apology letters to every single student and teacher in the other classes and our own, whether or not they were caught in an awkward situation due to his prank.
  15. No more bad pickup lines.
    1. If somebody _wants_ to hear bad pickup lines, then fine, but otherwise don’t.
  16. Actively flirting with people “because it’s funny” isn’t allowed, either. We’re all confused teenagers. Don’t make it worse.
    1. While trying to get your classmates to question their sexuality might technically be well-intentioned, it's still a horrible idea.
  17. Getting aphrodisiacs from Teruteru and slipping them into various food items is _not_ allowed.
    1. Getting aphrodisiacs from _anywhere_ and slipping them into various food items is not allowed.
  18. Kokichi is not cupid and is not allowed to shoot people with a bow and arrow, even if the arrows are foam and the bow isn’t powerful.
    1. Princess is not one of “Cupid’s Minions.”
      1. _You_ are not one of “Cupid’s Minions.”
    2. Nobody else is cupid, either.
      1. Okay, an Ultimate Matchmaker would technically be like cupid, but wouldn’t be the literal mythological figure.
  19. I can't believe I _actually_ have to write this, but… no dildoes.
    1. Kokichi… why are you like this? _Why did I need to make this a rule?_
    2. Miu has to follow this rule, too.
  20. No 50 Shades of Gray in ANY form. Just, _no._
    1. Just because you replaced the dust jacket with one that says “How To Glorify Abuse for Dummies” does not make it any more tolerable.
      1. I mean you’re not _wrong_ , but I can’t tell if that joke crosses the line once or twice.
  21. Just because [corn hub](http://corn-hub.blogspot.com/) and [hot malm](http://www.hotmalm.com/home/) are websites that exist does not mean that you should spam links to them in the groupchat and then ask seemingly innocent but deliberately provocative questions about them.
    1. _Especially_ if Miu encourages it.
  22. Putting heart-shaped decals on the common room walls is not allowed.
    1. Neither is putting them on any other surfaces.
    2. Or any people.
      1. K1-B0 is people, _stop arguing about that_.
    3. Anatomically correct heart decals aren't allowed, either.
  23. Kokichi and Miu are not allowed to walk around the school or the dorms specifically to make fun of any couples they catch making out.
    1. And they’re _definitely_ not allowed to take pictures, either.
  24. Teruteru is not allowed to attempt to hire Kokichi to take candid photos of the other students. That’s child pornography, and is quite emphatically **illegal**.
    1. Stop trying to worm your way out of this. Kokichi straight-up refused, and the first thing after he did was come to me with _plenty_ of hard evidence of what you just tried to get him to do. _He didn’t crack a single joke until I’d gotten this sorted out_. You’re lucky you’re not in a _body cast_ or _expelled_.
    2. He’s also not allowed to complain when most of the girls and several of the guys from classes 77, 78 and 79 show up to kick his ass for it.
  25. Kokichi, did you really need to spike a box of chocolates with weed and then leave them out in the common room? Kaede got high, and now she’s staring at one of Angie’s paintings with crossed eyes and humming random note sequences.  -Shuichi
    1. Yes, she _is_ kind of cute like that, but it’s not nice.
    2. Also Miu is high. Again.
    3. OH GOD I DID WHAT.
  26. Do not dye Princess’s fur pink or red in any way, shape or form.
    1. Nor are you allowed to jury-rig a set of angel wings and a toy cupid’s bow onto her harness.
    2. Even _if_ it was temporary.
    3. Don’t dye her any _other_ colors, either. Princess is not a “lesbone”, no matter how many times you dye her rainbow.
      1. Putting a rainbow scarf on her collar is acceptable, but she’s still not a “lesbone”.
      2. While I may not “know her life,” you're clearly only calling her that to make a pun out of it.
  27. Stop trying to sell “love potions”. It’s false advertising and you know it.
    1. Most people know better than to trust you with anything that’s even vaguely fishy, much less anything that seems legit, but some will still fall for your scam.
      1. Don’t blame your customers whenever they complain that it didn’t work.
  28. Quit spreading rumors that any of our classmates are “banging” each other.
    1. If you’re wrong, it makes things needlessly complicated for them, and you’re being malicious. If you’re _right_ , they probably don’t want anyone to know about it, and you’re still being malicious.
      1. “Malnutritious” is a _completely_ different word.
  29. Makoto is not a harem protagonist, regardless of how many times you insist that he is.
    1. Just because a girl talks to him doesn’t mean she’s part of his harem, and you definitely don’t need to go out of your way to let everybody know that Makoto is “becoming the Ultimate Harem Anime Protagonist.”
      1. Stop saying that his personality is bland like one. It’s insulting.
    2. _I_ am not part of any harems.
    3. You’re lucky that Tenko has realized that she only has to threaten you with physical harm to get you to back down.
      1. Do you _really_ want to push your luck with that?
  30. Kokichi is not allowed to give anybody any kind of romantic advice, _especially_ if he’s asked for it.
  31. Glitter bombs disguised as love letters are now banned.
    1. As are ones disguised as Valentine’s Day cards.
    2. Just because it’s not technically a bomb doesn’t make filling an envelope with glitter and then giving it to somebody okay.
  32. Do not give people fake love letters in an attempt to set them up with each other.
    1. Not even if you were asked to do so.
    2. Not even if you were bribed into it.
  33. Kokichi is no longer allowed to accept bribes from anybody.
  34. No care bears.
    1. No care bear _cousins_ , either.
      1. Not even if the care bears were originally Miu’s idea.
  35. Kokichi is not allowed to step foot into the kitchen unmonitored, not even if he’s “totally just following one of those instructional youtube videos”.
    1. I’m not sure how you got chocolate on the ceiling, but you need to clean it up yourself.
    2. You can too reach the ceiling. Remember the ducks?
      1. _And_ the bubble wrap. You clearly have a way to get to the ceiling.
  36. Kokichi is not a vampire, no matter how many times he says something about blood-flavored candy and then eats a red jolly rancher.
    1. Also don’t joke about blood-flavored candies. You’re freaking people out.
      1. “But I already do that all the time anyway” is _not_ an excuse.
  37. Don’t staple paper hearts to things.
    1. Don’t act like you’re going to staple paper hearts to _people._
    2. Kokichi is not allowed to touch the stapler ever again.
      1. If he’s required to staple something for an assignment, then fine, but he can only use it for that.
  38. Stop telling single people that “it’s okay, Valentine’s is only one day!”
    1. Especially if you follow it up by reassuring them that they “can still be miserable and depressed the other 364 days of the year.”
  39. Tsumugi. I _know_ you have a cork board dedicated entirely to figuring out who Kokichi may or may not be crushing on. _Stop_.
    1. No, we tolerate the _other_ boards because you’re not infringing on other people’s privacy and I know it’s just for fun. The entire 3’x4’ about _just_ Kokichi was creepy.
    2. Kokichi has to return all of the anime figurines, boxsets, and games he stole from Tsumugi.
      1. Regardless of how understandable your “desire for revenge” might be, it’s still mean to take people’s stuff. Plus I’m pretty sure the only reason she _isn’t_ having a full-blown meltdown is because you left her body pillows and a few of the figurines.
        1. Also, why did you leave those, anyway?
        2. I regret asking.
  40. Do not spike the punch.
    1. Don’t make punch _specifically_ so you can spike it.
    2. _Even if_ you make the punch and then specifically tell people that you spiked it, _do not spike the punch_.
    3. Don’t drink the spiked punch, either.
    4. Miu is not allowed to spike the punch.
    5. _Nobody_ is allowed to spike the punch.
  41. Do not create bouquets and then leave them out for people in an attempt to convince them that they have a secret admirer.
    1. It’s not fair if someone _does_ have a secret admirer but they believe it’s just another of your pranks, so don’t.
  42. Again, don’t shout “that’s gAA _AAAYYY_ ” every time something even vaguely homosexual happens.
    1. One, it’s rude. Two, _it’s still just subtext_.
    2. No shouting “that’s hOMOSEXUAL,” either.
  43. Kokichi is not allowed to add any variation of the phrase “no homo” to the end of his sentences. It’s getting annoying.
  44. “Rated M for Miu,” while technically accurate, is not an actual rating.
  45. I’m not going to say “stop handing out free chocolates to people”, if that’s what you were trying to get me to do. We’re mostly confused that they’re actually just normal chocolates.
    1. DON’T PUT LAXATIVES IN CHOCOLATES.
    2. OR IN ANYTHING ELSE.
  46. Openly declaring your undying love for somebody is not allowed unless you’re actually being serious.
    1. And even then, that’d be kind of an over-the-top way to confess to somebody, even for you.
      1. I know you’re an over-the-top kind of person, but grand romantic gestures usually don’t go over well, especially if you’re not already in a relationship. If you ever want somebody to take your feelings seriously, you’ll have to act serious and show them that you mean it.
  47. Tenko is not a tsundere, and encouraging guys to ask her out is not nice. Especially since you’re fully aware of how she’ll react.
    1. Yes, she has a misandrist attitude, but you’re not exactly giving her reasons to see the good in guys.
  48. Himiko is not allowed to somehow create functional love potions.
    1. _Please_ tell me they wear off. Kokichi somehow ended up affected by one and now nobody feels safe.
      1. Okay, good.
  49. Kokichi is not allowed to falsely market random rocks he finds as “love talismans”. We both know you're full of crap, and you didn't even bother trying to put any effort into them.
    1. Asking Korekiyo for help making them look historically accurate is perfectly fine so long as you don't claim they actually _work_.
    2. Don’t try to pass them off as actual artifacts, either.
  50. _NO APHRODISIACS. NONE. NADA._ **_NEVER AGAIN_**.
    1. _We’re already teenagers, you don’t need to make anyone incredibly horny. Now everyone’s just awkward._
    2. There were too many close calls, and Kaito is still too afraid and embarrassed to look at Maki.
    3. You’re lucky that nothing _actually_ happened. As far as I can tell, it was mostly a few incredibly awkward situations and maybe a kiss. It was all eventually harmless and nothing irreversible, but it could have very easily done some serious damage.
      1. You’re right, you did take measures to “cockblock” as rudely as possible, but that’s no excuse.
      2. Neither is “everything went according to plan.”



**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For all the single people, a chapter to help you tide out the most depressing day of the year! Or the most annoying, depending on how you look at it. The next update should be a 100 again. Also, Eighth_Notes finally figured out how to get the HTML to work to have each chapter of the list start on the proper number and she's far too happy about that.  
> #479 was suggested by SwordYo5hi.  
> Oh and who even reads the blurbs at the beginning of each chapter we're genuinely curious.  
> If anything from this gives you an idea for a scene in a fic, a one-shot, or for use as a prompt, feel free to use it! All that we request is for you send us a link to whatever you've written.  
> Comments are always appreciated, and thank you for reading!


	8. A List of Things That Kokichi's Grandmother Will Not Forgive When She Attends Peak Academy of Hope.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is what happens when April Fool's Day rolls around.

     Kaede sat down with a huff, unlocking her phone and opening the document that held the list of rules that’d been compiled since the beginning of the year. This wasn’t a particularly unusual occurrence, given how often Kokichi chose to mess around.

     The Ultimate Pianist scrolled down, frowning after a moment.

     The doc was longer than it’d been earlier.

     When she reached the new segment, she stared.

     Then, slowly, she sighed, letting her hand -- and phone -- drop into her lap.

     Though, in retrospect, it probably wasn’t the worst April Fool’s Day prank ever. Or at least it was better than what _could_ have happened.

 

* * *

 

  1. Kokiti must not live in people's lives, a lie or not.
  2. Panta instead of water.
    1. O cherry Panta.
    2. O-barbapapa Panta.
    3. Kokiti can not rebuild the kitchen sink.
  3. Hey, you have to stop calling Kilmi milk.
  4. You can not try to charge your phone with K1 - as a power source B0. Strange it is not there yet.
  5. Kokiti can not scientifically refute the existence of Himiko magic. I still can not help but cry and can not endanger Tenko if someone pulls the window again.
  6. You can not blow a drink in a room for any reason, even if warned "good".
  7. I can close anyone's room unless they receive the keys.
  8. You can steal everyone. When you want to go to your room, you must not be looking for real scavengers.
    1. "I just tried the detective technique of the Masters" is not a valid reason for stealing a room key for him or someone else's excuse.
  9. K1 - is not a B0 toaster, so you should not treat it that way.
  10. The shaving cream swap with kite cream is fun only once. I do not always do.
  11. I do not know how he got it, but I can not replace all the strings of the musical piano. I think that even if I passed the deleted character string in a safe place, to see clearly, I had always broken a school rule.
  12. Kokiti is not allowed to give Mius an idea of the invention. When the invention is not used unnecessarily, draw your own drawing in detail.
  13. Kokichi should not be with the love of love (or lack thereof) to connect with another person. Nobody wants to know insects, I do not want to say hello 2.
  14. I can not register the gym.
    1. Especially if you are ready to help.
  15. Kokiti can not get drunk with Angie. Yes, even though it was funny at the time, over the last two weeks we had found stupid sequences, bright people, colorful flowers and translucent marshmallow birds all over the place.
    1. He is not allowed to poison Miu.
    2. Kokiti can not drink alcohol, drink it to classmates or drink.
  16. Rantaro is not a lawyer and should not be treated as such.
  17. Rules are nothing more than a totally losing mediation that can not protect itself.
    1. Kokiti can not under any circumstances manage this list.
  18. With the exception of Rule 7, Kokiti can not enter a person's room. I do not care if it is "technically, there is no padlock".
  19. No, all together. Do not ban the Kokiti lie. Although in theory, it solves many problems, it is likely only to make you angry. How are you doing this?
  20. Whenever the song "Mr. Rantaro enters the room" he says "Sandman"
  21. We have Alexa to make Kirumi's life easier. You can ask questions but stop giving instructions to stop the alarm.
  22. Please, do not move to the people of Shakushi when they sleep in the common room. However, the washable marker is fine.
  23. Unless you want to replace, is not well write the name of the Himiko card on the back.
  24. Himiko does not have the same weight as the duck.
  25. Kokichi does not have the same weight as the duck, you can not prove it. You will have us in the center of the city, where was the duck in your hand?
  26. It is not possible to steal an animal in the zoo's laboratory.
  27. Be the ultimate supreme leader does not give you the right to deal with classmates like men.
    1. Despite wearing a hat or hat, you look like a "Super Deuy Will".
  28. Gonta is not a Seiyan, there is no power that a human being possesses.
  29. Stop asking for a ridiculous Kirumi job. Because we are classmates, she does not claim the money to do anything for us. Please do not use it.
  30. Yes, Kaito is scared. No, it can not be, fear it. Whatever you do, even the story of the mind.
  31. If you get hurt, go to the nurse's office or find someone to take you there. Concussion is a serious problem, and the blues on the head for the jokes are the best and the most stupid.
  32. He is no longer hiding in the closet to blow people up. You almost gave Miu a heart attack.
  33. to convince the wheat that their favorite entertainment has been canceled is a terrible idea.
  34. Do not tell Alexa, whenever a sad thing happens in the distance, play sad music. Especially when the song is Despacito.
  35. If he wants to solve a puzzle and show you a blue hue, it's not normal to ask Shuichi. It's a beautiful show, but it's always disappointing. He knows you can not say he's too good.
  36. If you offer Maki "excellent business opportunities", you can kill.
  37. Please do not do the martial arts in Tenko and ask to fight with it. It's a chance to have enough self-control to not hurt anyone.
  38. We do not pretend that someone secretly meets someone.
    1. Especially if you say you go out with them.
  39. You can run a reward pool without problems. It can not be a scam.
  40. Do not "lend" Gonta insects.
  41. Please do not speak angie and religion.
    1. Please do not speak angie and philosophy.
    2. Please do not ask Atua's explanation to Angie.
  42. "You have to want to let it hurt? You must not be difficult, and.
  43. Please do not lift the K1-B0. We do not know exactly what has been done to be what it is, not what we want to do.
  44. Without getting up from Miu, please come to him "do something sexy".
  45. Drug use for recreational purposes will not be provided to Angie, they are called "religious initiatives".
  46. Drugs are prohibited.
  47. If you already know the rules of the sport, the action as referee of the sports game works well.
  48. Please do not try to make a big gelatin in a school pool.
  49. Around K1-B0, no one had uncomfortable feelings, especially because he was found to be asking the question.
  50. To say that it is a failure at the end of the exam, you will not have brought all your companions to the store.
    1. Even a lie is that even a lawsuit.
  51. Please, not the manifest destiny of the Ultimates set begins. It is the idea given to people, we are all something, we are not.
    1. Even if you wore a hat and a hat.
    2. manifest destiny: what kind of escape from the factory is also prohibited.
  52. K1-B0 not take the soda. In fact, he does not know whether to drink or not. Please do not try to drink Panta. Nobody wants to stay on the Panta box.
    1. Do not drink K1-B0.
    2. It is forbidden in K1's personal affairs on maintenance-B0. You have the right to use complaints.
  53. The person who has a Kokichi scarf: Please send only on this basis. The floor of his living room, blanket, rubber duck tape and every inch of furniture you do not want, and knows what to do.
    1. No, I do not know how I could reach the ceiling like him.
  54. Please do not stick the egg in the bottom of the egg carton.
  55. Without insisting on the K1-that the Easter Bunny B0 has the true birth of the plastic egg, he must see if it is possible, according to a book of all the biology that goes hands. he can
  56. Something happens on your phone. If you need to make a call, use your phone to someone else. 
    1. the phone does not steal people, do not change the names of all contacts.
    2. Do not use the stolen phone.
    3. Even if you are "broken" for you,
    4. Not those you "borrowed".
  57. Please stop embarrassing pictures Send Anonymously in the school newspaper. I do not think it's possible to protect a lot of damage to their emperor.
  58. For the only Rumuba use forces to be solved in space, it must not be ordered to the Rumuba army. Kirumi to help, just help some people.
    1. Please do not increase a bus excuse bus space of Kirumi.
    2. They are not even 'king bus room' does not have 'Leading bus top space. "
      1. I will not discuss if his talent, but when a room contains a bus is your guide. The answer would still not be.
    3. K1-is not a Rumuba B0, it does not contain a space bus for his talent.
  59. The mixing tape should not literally light the fire.
    1. Even if you have a good taste in music is not surprising,
  60. In fact, I did not write the "boring" ceiling.
  61. It is normal to try to activate the nerve weapon if others knew it before.
  62. It is not allowed to make Tenko's number "nice people". It's a miracle that she has not killed you yet.
  63. Ryoma is not a "fun size" and you are not.
    1. Even though they are the two shortest people in their class.
  64. Stop being repeatedly exposed to various types of hazards. We start to worry that he can not really hurt himself and I do not know if it will be accidental.
    1. The fact that we take care of their safety is not an explanation of irrevocable love and should not be treated in this way.
  65. It is not safe to fly "literally all drafts".
    1. It's not like you're using them to make rubber eras.
  66. They are not all types of inanimate kings or supreme rulers.
    1. Or whatever you do not want to join your organization.
    2. It does not matter who you are or what you want to control, even if you have the Supreme brand label.
  67. okichi should not drink it and has more than a minute Yesterday it is very scary and nobody wants to repeat it.
  68. Korechiyo is allergic to the sun.
    1. Oh, it's a vampire.
    2. Gold mummy
    3. GOLD.
    4. I stayed time.
  69. It's unacceptable to say a "sexy" in a normal room.
    1. It is particularly important that the list of marine species be boring.
  70. If you buy together, Kokichi should not be left alone. Sacred interest of the mall and none that is completely forbidden. We had jumped, we had to sweat to leave the alert.
  71. Even for a short time, it is unacceptable to lock someone in the room.
    1. You can not keep a Kokichi in the room as revenge.
  72. When you get sick, stay here and try to infect anyone. Sending a month lost later.
  73. It is very impressive to talk about rhymes, but it ages very fast.
  74. You are not the main character of the anime.
    1. All genres.
    2. Shuichi and I are not "a forbidden main character".
  75. Filming Gonta Bee Movie is not a bad idea, but it is an attempt to convince him that it is a real documentation of the event.
  76. Neither Kokichi nor Himiko are as young as Maki to take care of them.
    1. Even if they are the two youngest in the class.
    2. Like ours, they are teenagers. You can take care of yourself.
  77. Kokichi is not allowed to put the countdown on the wall.
    1. In particular, it happens when "something completely wonderful" reaches zero.
  78. Simply filling the empty space in the refrigerator with a rubber duck will make Kirumi's life even more difficult.
  79. No, we do not add rules to this list if there is a request from Kokichi.
    1. Or before he does something. It only gives you an idea.
  80. Building a lie detector was a good idea until it could not.
    1. Not because Kokichi was angry about that, but because he found it and used it almost immediately.
  81. A monster thief is not an Astro Boy.
    1. K1-B0 either.
  82. Kokichi should not throw rubber ducks at people.
    1. Or throw it in the trash.
    2. Or they "greet".
    3. I will not throw things.
    4. Do not tell others to throw things away.
    5. Especially when the "thing" is K1-B0, he is a friend, not a wild ram.
  83. Stop it with a nightmare face.
    1. They know enough about what it means and what it means like a nightmare.
  84. It is very insensitive to tell Ryoma several times: "You kill me, Smalls". The mere fact that he ignores you does not mean he is not frustrated and does not mention good sports.
  85. It can be awesome to use as many eye drops as you can, depending on who you're talking to, but it's still plaid.
  86. Whoever says that someone has heard of a possible joke about something is not a challenge.
    1. Even if you can make a joke, you have never heard of it.
  87. Do not offer to give fashion tips to people to criticize their clothes.
    1. Even if part of what you say is correct.
    2. Nobody wants your opinion about anything unless you ask for it.
  88. Kaito's hair does not violate the laws of physics and you can not prove them.
  89. Kokichi, who tries to do "cool things I saw on the Internet," is not allowed. Especially if you already know that it is dangerous.
  90. Tsumugi is not a wallpaper and should not be treated as such.
  91. Stop trying to convince people that the earth is flat. We know you really do not believe it, and the rest of us look bad.
  92. There is no swivel chair in the hall. I'm lucky I do not need stitches.
  93. It may be a good Halloween joke, but do not stage a fake murder scene, even if you are a "victim".
    1. Where did you get so much fake blood?
    2. "It was true, I only killed a lot of people because of his blood", is not the correct answer to this question.
  94. If one of Kokichi's misdeeds is confusing, he should help Kirumi clean it up.
  95. We have the same favorite color, but you, Kaito and I are not "Purple of Purple".
  96. It is forbidden to play the Harry Potter theme when Himiko enters the room unless he is specially prepared for the magic show.
    1. Even though you love the title song, this is not the case.
    2. Tenko is not allowed to follow Himiko while playing the song.
  97. It's nice to talk to Smugi on Anime Fan Talk, as you see fit. No one else can follow most of what you're trying to say, and we really do not want an explanation.
  98. Do not allow yourself to get angry after losing against Mario Kart (or any other game). We know that it is false, and if you do it again, you can not do anything on the night of the game.
  99. The only backpack you can fill with rubber ducks is yours
  100. Do not let it stop you, even if it's insignificant. You're lucky Hope's Peak is happy to save you.
    1. It does not matter that it really is the only time they catch you. There is no crime.



**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is why we (and by “we” I mean Kokichi, of course) should never be trusted with Google Translate.  
> Anyway, the next chapter will be posted eventually. And not be a giant meme. We’ve been slowly making progress, but since both of us are in school and one of us (Eighth_Notes) recently moved house, things have been super busy.  
>  ~~We may or may not be planning something big as well, which is part of why it’s taking so long.~~  
>  If anything from this gives you an idea for a scene in a fic, a one-shot, or for use as a prompt, feel free to use it! All that we request is for you send us a link to whatever you've written.  
> Comments are always appreciated, and thank you for reading!


End file.
